a little give and take

I love you. Sometimes too much, sometimes at the wrong times in a hundred different ways that I know we will have to figure out. I have these responses to things that I do t expect and I am still learning how to deal with. Somedays I can not let the shit phase me and other days I'm like an open wound and the slightest falter causes me to struggle. I'm so scared of not doing enough or doing to much and ruining what we have. 
I want things to be special. I want to make you feel special and loved so you never doubt how much I love and care for you. I worry about things because there are other things I have no control over. 
After talking with Lord Loser I kind of realized we are sitting on two very different sides of things even though we both want the same things. You have been very patient with me and I know it's not easy. I feel like I have been very patient as well even if you can't see it and I understand that.  Most of my fears about things I know won't always be there. I had a dream and it wasn't a bad dream but it left me feeling uneasy and shook. You aren't Dustin. For every thing you may have in common there is SO much that is different. I'm scared. I'm trying so hard to be smart, be confident, be compassionate, be patient, understanding and make you happy. I dont know why I feel like nothing is good enough. That I'm not. That I am going to love you and do everything I can and you'll never be with me. But it's how I feel right now. I keep telling myself to stop. Breath. Relax. And just let shit go because everything seems like I am wrong. You are who you are and I love you..every little bit. I dont want to feel like I'm pathetic and that's exactly how I feel. I love you Matthew. I miss you.. You know all of this. I just wanted to throw another post or email on the pile of bullshit. Because I never want to not tell you how I feel and share with you. So there you go. 
I am who I am and I try harder than I should have too sometimes. I hope eventually it will be something you learn to appreciate. And if I am lucky reciprocate it. 
I am not good at giving what I get in love. Obviously. Because I am used togetting nothing back. And I don't know how to give nothing. 

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