I was a little girl

Mom - 
40 years old and I still feel like the little girl who just wants her Mom. 
All the things I want to ask..
All the guidance I could really need. You were my best friend. My rock. 
I struggle so hard to be good. To be honest.  To be strong. To be something..
I just want to be able to have a real conversation. I want to share my memories and my grief and my pain with someone. To laugh through the tears and feel like while it's not perfect..it's all OK. 
I wanted to.
I wanted to have that today. A chance to remember all that you are and were. But I have no one to turn to and just let it out. 
It hurts to be alone. 
I believe you watch over. You push and you laugh at all the ways I fumble through. 
I hope you aren't disappointed in me.
So many things we talked about that took me so long to realize. So many changes happening in my life. 
Matt. A man is wish so intensely you could meet. 
My heart is heavy.
Today I smiled and I felt like I could see you..hear you thinking...finally.
I felt hope on a dark day. He has that way. I pray Mom that he and I have a chance to be..hell together at this point would be nice. Happy. Loved. 
Maybe I am nuts to feel anything so strongly.
But I love him.
I hope desperately to one day share with him all that you were.
I need...
A little bit of love and peace.

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