a moment

A moment seems so fleeting
Though it can break you through the years
While it can bring hope of things to come
It still only comes and goes 
Like the tears that dry and disappear 
a kiss that only lingers 
And your smile that slowly fades
When lying alone it's just a thing to remember 
Perhaps a hope; a dream of more to come..
Or the fear that its all fleeting and time is never on our side
Cause all we get is older..
The wisdoms in the snapshots of moments we hold dear..the future with all its possibilities still so very far and most certainly just unclear.

I am struggling with why if things are really starting to happen and I am 2 months away from this wonderful person and I finally getting to be together why I am so worried that it's all going to fall apart. He says I have nothing to worry about. He says there is nothing else keeping us apart. But I am still scared. I am still worried. 

I dont know if it's lingering effects of the constant disappointment and hurt I have dealt with for so long. I know trust is shaken. My heart has been so broken and let down that I just expect it. Not being wanted or cared for so long has shaken me. I get worried that I'm undeserving of love and care. That it's okay that I'm not anyone's number 1... I feel lucky to be considered at all.
I want to be 
Loved. 
I want that hand on my back entering a room
Someone's reassuring touch when we are out reminding me he's thinking of when there's people everywhere
I want to be wanted
To be desired and made to feel it to my core.
To be important and special in only his eyes.
To not just be dealt with or handled

Lately I feel a lot like I'm being given attention as a reward
 I dont know how else to say it
 Like here I did this for you look you're so happy
It may not be how it is but it felt that way. 

But honestly when I am just sitting there wishing for attention..
It just makes me scared and fueled my fears
I'm sick about it. 
I've been on the verge of tears again and what's worse is if I say anything it will just become me apologizing for the way I feel or him giving up video chatting with me because of how I feel. 

I'm scared. 
What if everything I fight for is always the wrong thing, the wrong time. 
I feel like I'm wrong. All fucking wrong. 







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