in a heart beat

To The Man In The Moon  -
It's a bad moment. I know it will pass. It's a bad day and I know tomorrow can be better. 

I am taking hits and trying to remember to stay true to myself. But I falter. It's hard to know what's real and whose sincere. When my doubts and fears start getting thrown at me I forget to fight them. When someone starts validating them and giving them more weight all my strength to fight and my confidence gets shook and I just sit there burying myself deeper in doubts. 

Dustin is angry with me. He keeps telling me that it's one thing to love someone and another give someone all the power. But that's not Matt. I know it's not Matt. He may have doubts and concerns but Matt wouldn't...i mean couldn't do that. 
My therapist asked me today " if this falls apart, if he doesn't follow through and come after everything, will you be okay with the decision you made?" 
"Will you be able to keep loving him and supporting him and his dreams?"
Then she asked me," does my needs and wants, my dreams and hopes mean as much to him as his does to me?"
I am doing what I feel we need to do. I am getting tires and his Colorado fixed so we can drive it here. I just get this tiny nagging wonder if like everything with Ashley and him not being sure about whether he wanted to be with me or if he wanted to fix things with her and then waiting for her to decide she didn't want to fix things and now her making comments about getting back together. 
I dont feel secure. I am giving everything I have to make this work. And now I am putting all this money and time into making a life with this man and I'm scared to death. I feel sick and I am not sleeping because the closer we get and thr more I am trying to make sure everything is taken care of that sinking fear of every time no one has been there and come through...it makes me want to puke. It takes me back to feeling my heart skipping beats and praying Dustin will help me as i laid there trying to breath. Me alone in the hospital so many times. Every let down every time I..
I try andnhave faith. I believe in him and the man he is. And still I sit having panic attacks and not sleeping scared that this all..everything I hoped and prayed for..isn't real and isn't going to happen. 
Fighting with Dustin about all of this...
I'm stressed and trying to keep my composure. Puking all this week goes to show how.much of a freaking mess I am. 
But I just keep hearing it will all be okay. 


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