endure

This. I am far too gone and I put myself and my heart at such great risk. Dustin literally asked me aren't I scared. I am I am terrified. I am giving this man everything I can..because I see so much love and happiness with and within him. All contingent upon him seeing that and being willing to take that step with me. Dustin is angry that I just hand it over. He says even if this is everything I want I am not protecting myself. Trying so hard, buying and spending and doing all this stuff when in his eyes I am getting nothing in return. I get it. Being terrified that he can disappear and I would just be left broken scares the fuck out of me. 
I keep thinking as time gets closer of all the ways he could change his mind, delay things and keep pushing me..us off. Just me visiting has me tangled up in knots. Will he ignore me? Does it mean as much to him as it does to me? Would he even consider sharing his life there with me? I am so excited to go and I am just as terrified. I had a nightmare that I flew there and he just wanted to end it face to face. 
When someone isn't ready to be honest and stand and fight for what's important nothing anyone else says can make a difference. 
No matter how much I want him here..
Ñothing I want or feel matters if he doesn't want or feel it too. I just want the same understanding and compassion and love back. I want to feel understood and like what I want and feel matter too. I am doing all I can to make him feel and know how important and special he is to me. And I am scared as fuck what I want is too fucking much..scared I don't deserve him.

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