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Beginning to Heal

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To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
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Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
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technicality

You said to hold on and that we were worth all of the trouble. But you doubted it and us.  I never gave up on you. I never faltered when it came to choosing you.  It hurts that you did and it makes me doubt you now. Whatever you did with her you wanted her. And the whole time I worried you told me I never had to. So when you say things to me about Me being it, being the one... It hurts that I feel this doubt like it's until someone better comes along Didn't sleep with her...technically  Did something you don't do to me and that causes me all kinds of self esteem issues...perfect... All I can think is will he go back to her or find another girl to move on with when I am not enough to keep you happy.. he has so many women interested.. so many.. all I wanted was to love and be loved. All I wanted was to be valued and desired and loved. I feel inadequate all over again.  Fuck me. I feel like puking 
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