I'm not free.

To The Man In The Moon  -
I know I am flawed. I am an emotional person who wears my heart on my sleeve, who feels more than I want and takes on way more than I should. I apologize for being me and I know that I shouldn't have to but I am damaged.
I am sensitive. I am also strong. I fight for what I believe and who I love. I accept people for who they are but try and see who they could be. I believe in seeing the best in people even when they show me the worst. I see more than people realize and I let my fear hold me back and say far less than I should. I have a hard time standing up for myself.
But I believe that we all make mistakes and i try my best to give the people I love the benefit of the doubt. So I get lied to. Straight to my face. I get walked on. I get taken advantage of. By the people I would do anything for. I try and believe it says more about them than it does about me. 
I try my best to be a good person. I don't say things I don't mean. I try too hard and I fall too often. 
I'm taking my broken heart and wearing it proudly. You don't have to love me. You also dont have to lie to me. 
I am worth the time. I am worth the effort. I love people for who they are. I won't ask you to be something your not so why people have to pretend is really beyond me. 
I deserve to be someone's #1. Someone's priority. Someone's everything. I may be a mess but I am a beautiful one that cries through my tears and loves harder through my pain. I dont want to Someone's option...I want to be their everything.
I will lead you when you can't and follow when you lead. I will raise you up when you need and ground you when you falter. I am not a bad thing. I am what you put into me. I am Someone's partner. Though it seems some people never see. I am just as wonderful as you give your wonderfulness to me. 
I can't apologize for the mess that other make and leave behind. I work hard at myself. To be a better mother, lover, woman, friend, and person. 
I get hurt that dispite all the ways I will listen, love and care for others that I am written off, ignored and placated. I try harder than I should. I give more than many deserve. I feel it. Every doubt. Every fear. Every hesitation. I feel the fear of loving someone and giving someone everything I have only to be shown and told once again...It...I...am not enough.

I am terrified. I am not sleeping. I am not eating. I am waiting. I am praying. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
Read more

pieces

Image
To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...
Read more

Beginning to Heal

Image
To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
Read more