A Safe Place

To The Man In The Moon- 

I have been thinking a lot about things. 
Myself, my feelings and what matters most to me in life. It a scary feeling to be close to something and yet still so far away.
I have always thought the thing I want and needed were very basic things and yet they all have been very illusive.  I want to be a dtrong loving and caring mother and partner. I want to be a rock for my son the way my mother was my rock. I want him to know and learn to love and be loved, to love himself and find confidence in himself. I want love and laughter everyday. I want to have someone to share that laughter, love and the joy of raising Liam with.
I have tried so hard to push my own unhappiness and needs back to love and care for others. It's taken me so long to figure out that I cannot make a family or marriage work on sheer will power or by myself alone, 
I made mistakes. I still do. And I am terrified.  Of making the same mistakes and ruining something amazing with the man I love. Terrified that what I want and need will always be to much. I give. I love. Hard. 
I want to be loved cared for wanted and cherished as well. I dont want to feel like all I am and love and care about means nothing. Im scared of my short comings and my flaws.. That my failed marriages and the love lost between people I expected to spend my life with is all my fault. 
I want to make a difference in those I love and loved lives. I want to make their lives better and their dreams reality. 
I dont think I realized how important just making memories and living life for the people I love meant until I realized how very uncared for and alone I felt. 
Falling in love with Matt, his laughter and his passion..he woke me up. He brought hope and happiness into my life. 
He makes me feel things and think about things. He sparked something in me and has brought so much into my life already. I am scared to lose it. Well, to never get to have it. Hope can be dangerous. I ran away from my troubles with Richard. With Dustin I vowed to do everything I could to not run away but to fight to make things better. We almost ruined each other in not seeing the truth. I pray to be better in all aspects of myself my life to be stronger and better in my love with Matt. I haven't ever felt this way before. I am scared that fear and mistakes will keep us apart and mess this up. That the build up will break us well before we have a change.
My fears with Matt, are tangled in own fears of the past. The disappointment, the constant indifference and never being number 1. He's strong in mind, body and spirit. He can make all the things we have talked about more than hope or dreams, together we can make them real. But I, we all falter and life can so easily be drastically changed. I know that change isn't easy. Sometimes we cant see the important things because we are so focused on the things in the moment. My prayers are for all the right things, for happiness, humbleness and peace. For the things God has seen for to bless us with to not so easily be tainted, taken away or be taken from granted. All by his grace. 
I want to lay these anxieties and worries down and embrace and celebrate the love between us and walk the path before us with faith and trust and serenity. 
I hope Matt finds strength and determination in my love and in me, and I in him to make this journey. I know worries and anxieties frustrate him evem as we get closer to solving the cause. I pray he will be my rock. And I hope he loves me enough to endure my leaning on him to get through this distance along with my fears. And will support and love me as I will support and love him. I never loved or trusted someone amd he communicates with me in such a deep way. He feeds my heart and my soul. And I never knew love like this. Dad it's more than your girl could ask for.

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