Word I Couldn't Say

To The Man in My Heart -

You may feel I don't understand. You may think I don't want to hear or know everything. I am not meant to know it all honestly. But I want to know what you feel. The fears and the doubts. The happiness and the excitement. The pain and the struggle. I want to know what the fuel and the motivation and the reasoning behind what makes you who you are. Because I love you. That love comes from something strong and special. That can see and accept you for all that you are and love you because you are flawed. Because all of who you are and what has made you who you are. 
Understand please that yes I want you here. Now. Yesterday. Tomorrow. And I can be  understanding and empathize with why you aren't. If you can be honest with me I can be understanding to many things. But don't use it..me and how I feel. I want to make sure in some way at some point how I feel and what I need should matter to. There is no time limit on my love for you. But when you say things like maybe and hypothetically when talking about us it hurts. I am not maybe or hypothetical. I am real. Fleshing blood and my love is real for you. Every word I have said everything I do, its real. 
Don't think for a second I don't get how scary loving me and coming here would be. But if you came here and it becomes something you don't want or can't be, I will always help get you what or where you need to be. Do you think I would be offering to help you move here; pay for a truck or trailer, do you think I would offer a place here to see if we can figure it out together. It's love and a life, an opportunity I am offering to see if this is really all we feel and believe it to be. I dont know what else to say. It's the reason I am so scared. Because I can't make you not be scared of trying. It is scary. This isn't something small. And it's not easy to give. Even harder when I keep feeling like all that I have to offer isn't enough...that's scary. 
Everyday I appreciate the love you have for me, that you value me and how I feel. That you make time for me and want to share things with me. I am terrified that I am going to have dreamed and waited and invested all my love and time and you will walk away but you're worth the fear. We are worth the fear.
We talked about long distance and making sacrifices to make it work. But this I don't know when or if we will see each other. Or when or if we will be together just says to me that everything I am doing and feeling might mean nothing and all be just wasted. Just like all the years I spent trying to be there for Dustin. It feels like that. Because it is all pretty words but I am still without anyone or anything because I give everything I have. I have seen how this plays out. I have lived this. I lose. I am never enough, I am never good enough or found to be worth the risk. That's the truth. I am a great amazing woman who isn't worth the chance. I dont want to feel that. I have felt it for too long. I want to know I am fighting for something and with someone who wants what I have to give. I want all of it with you. I'm not scared of what we could have together. My fear comes from losing the happiness and the hope you bring into my life. Losing someone like you, someone who makes me feel and think the way you do babe. 
I love you. 

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