Free falling Without A Parachute

To The Man In The Moon  -

I had several different anxiety issues today. 
I haven't had them this bad in a while. I took meds. I tried accepting the fear and identifying the triggers and rationalizing it out. But the truth is, I'm scared. 
I have been lied to, abandoned, neglected and hurt at so many delicate points of my life but the people I love the most. 
I am trying so very hard not to ruin something that is so very special and important to me all while trying to protect myself, Liam and my fragile heart.
I stand to lose so much. 
I can't say he hasn't lied to me. But I know that I let him. I fell so hard for this man that even when he told me the truth, I chose to break myself to even have a chance to know what love was. Cause I haven't felt this with anyone. 
The thing is, he says that he's making steps and that he knows he wants to be with me. And that it's worth it. And the thing is I feel that. I did then and even more so now. But all this past trauma, this fear and panic, its crushing me. Cause he could be telling me what I need to hear...or lying to me. 
He has a friend who started online dating and these comments and these things he does telling him to protect himself... cause people lie.
It hurts. Because I still wonder.. 
He loves Ashley. He calls her his best friend and I get it. I truly honestly do, but I know I am still the lie. And he says he doesn't want me to feel like the back up and I get it. But I am still the lie. 
He wasn't sure if I would be ok with them being friends. He didn't want to assume. And all I can think is, I never asked to be a secret. When all of this came out I thought me and how he felt was out in the open and if he picked her and chose her then I would learn to accept it and either quietly fade away if I couldnt deal or I would try my best to be his friend. But I thought the lies and the hiding were over. But they weren't. And now when he says that "I'm getting what I want" it absolutely breaks me. Cause I am not. Not even a little bit. I want him to be her friend. I want him to get what he wants. I just would like to be what he wants. I want to know his best friend. All his friends. I am separate. And because of that, it doesn't feel like the truth. I have never been on the phone with him and any of his friends. It's not okay to talk around any of the people in his life. And everytime I break a little because I should feel closer to us being together and getting what we said we wanted but it feels like it's all not real. 
I am not getting what I want. I wanted to be a part of his life. 6 months in a relationship with him and fuck I am a lie to everyone he knows? I am stupid. I can't think  I'm so scared. I opened my whole life up. I am terrified that me freaking and feeling like this will make him hate me and disappear. The anxiety and panic. I am like an open wound right now. Fuck I hate myself. 
I fuck it all up. 
I am going to lose everything. 
Who could blame him
I want to run away from me

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