caving

To The Man In The Moon-
We all have weak moments. I try and remember that. I also try and remember my strong moments. 
But I am not strong lately.
I am waiting. I am treading water. Waiting for things to get better, waiting for my chance, always waiting on someone or something  else. 
I see it now. I keep putting everyone else and what they want and need ahead of myself. I love too hard. And not myself. Cause if I loved myself I would stop waiting for my turn. 
 I need to take care of myself and my own happiness. I given myself away. My heart. My love. 
And I believe. I give my hope. I give it all. 
And what I get back is...well it's the promise of someday.
When Richard and I got married he needed me to support him and his career so we moved away from my mom when she needed me. But I did it because he was my husband and he needed me too. He wouldn't be understanding about how difficult it was or patient with me when I needed to be with my mom and he didn't love me enough to care about how that tore me apart. So I eventually had to leave and it cost me everything. I walked away from my entire life with what I could carry. I left everything with him because I felt guilty. 
Dustin and I  well he need someone to believe in him and love him and I took it all on. He needed someone to take care of him and I did. I killed myself to give him what he said he wanted. And when I got sick and when I needed him and Liam needed him he realized he couldn't love me and help me or didn't know how he shit down. So after trying and doing everything I could to do it all, be it all and help him too.. fuck I realized that nothing I ever did would be enough I walked away. Or at least I am walking away. 
Then I found Matt. I fell so hard for him.. the man I could talk to.. The man that saw me..the man that I saw.. the man I never expected and didn't believe existed. Lol but is also Mr Can't Be Named for fear of the truth. For fear that I will ruin everything he has. 6 months and I am still a secret while he says I am the one. The one I fear the most. Because no matter how many things scream at me to run..the girlfriend who knows about me but doesn't because I am still nothing..the fact that he says some people know about me but yet I realize and keep pushing down that they really don't because why if they know and if I am so fucking important and special does no one know who I am...never talked to me...fuck. I listen to him everyday and he hides me still in so many ways. He walks around the truth and yet still I believe. I could very easily be being used for everything I am because I love him. Because I want to believe him. Because I want him to love me like I love him, like he says he loves me. So I have missed him and wanted him, loved him and all he is in every way everyday and given him everything he says he wants because he says if I am patient we will have what we both want. But will I? Will we?? When I don't have what I want? I have his words. Am I crazy to keep believing when in reality I can't even talk to this man or be known as the person he is claiming to want to be with by anyone in his life? I am sooo fucking stupid and pathetic. Typing these words makes me sick. Seeing the words... knowing this and everyday sucking up the tears and apologizing for feeling like this is all a lie..when everything about it says...this can not be real. That all I am doing g is giving a man who is ashamed of me all my love my heart and life fuck I am trying to give him everything and fuck I hate myself so much because I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't trust myself anymore. I prayed and I cried so hard for just the truth. Lord just show me the truth. Did I fall in love with the idea of a man..or the real him because at the end of the day I dont know that he sleeps alone..I dont know if he really told anyone about me...I dont know that he has any intention of ever being with me..but he has everything of me caring about him and his ideas and his dreams. He has me wanting to love him and loving him and wanting him and opening up my entire life but am still just an idea? Just an option? Just a suggestion that someday he might move to KC just an oh yeah...to his best friend. Or one of them because the other one is the girl he's with. Fuck. Dad. Mom. Someone. Am I crazy?

Please God. I know I have made mistakes. I know I have. I know I m not perfect. But I try. God, I do try. I am trying. If you tell me to be strong I will find strength in you. I believe you want me to love him and give him everything I am and I am Lord. But I am scared. Please help guide me. All of this is making me doubt my heart, my head, my hope and faith. Am I believing g the wrong rhing? Am I missing g the message?
I believe in this feeling. I believe in the love I have for him.. I believe in the connection he and I have. Why am I scared and doubting the happiness I feel with him? 
Why is he giving me cause to doubt? 
Can I keep trying to ignore this?
Should I?
Why am I not good enough?

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