I am worth it..

To The Man In The Moon  - 
Well I am confused alright. I am also quite broken. Frustrated...check ✔ and lord knows I am sad. 
I believe I have learned many new things about myself for sure. Not all of them good. I found as much as I have come to know about myself, I always short change and belittle myself and my worth. 
I know how much I have to give and that it is special in a way many others will never know. But every man who I have loved, has never surrendered enough to love me back. Not truly. I dont expect love to be shown or given the same way I love and give love to others. But I have found it difficult to get respect, empathy, compassion and dedication back. 
I do do do and give give give till I start to doubt what my motivation is. Am I surrendering my needs for everyone else's? And at what point does that become a bad thing? 
I need to be loved as well. I dont want money or things. I don't want 100% sexual favors or whatever. I want to be heard. I want to feel like what I feel and think matters. I want to know someone has my back when I am fighting for Liam or myself. I want someone to pick me up when it all becomes too much to handle alone. Someone who will look out for me when I am busy looking put for others. Someone who can talk to me when stuff gets hard and be beside me to help get us through anything. 
I have been picking up everything for so long. Whatever is too hard I have to make it easier, i have to remember it all, do it all, show it all, handle it all. Believe and hold out for hope.
If I don't answer or I don't smile. If am late if I am slow. If I am just too tired...no one steps in to support me. I am just the jock strap to life. Support and protection when needed. 

I fault no one. Dustin has used it to his advantage but isn't it partly my fault for continuing to give him my love and support when I clearly didn't get it in return.

I am worried the man I love will also feel this way. I mean feels this way. Lord I keep holding onto hope that everything between us is stronger. I believe him and in him and the connection we have. But I feel the panic in my chest When he talks about it as being this thing that hypothetically could happen at some point. Because he sees it as this far off venture...and I am scared. 
I cannot describe how awful it feels to be the dirty secret. I can't be making him happy when he has to hide everything about me. I am not a bad thing that needs to be hidden. I love him with everything I am and I do everything I can to help and support him. am not good enough to be his?  am still not good enough to be a part of his life. I am what needs to be hidden and joked about. 
He made fun of Lord Loser tonight. Saying it's pathetic and he's obsessed. And I get it. Lord Loser absolutely can take it too far sometimes and he doesn't care that I have told him I want to be with the other guy. That I love another. But when he talks to me and tells me how lucky this guy is to have someone who loves him and cares for him and wants to be a part of his life like I do...it's nice to hear. Cause I love this man with everything that I am. I try my best to show him in every way possible. 
No matter how much I love him, no matter how much I try and do...i still just feel like just a dirty secret waiting to see what someone else decided and wants and fuck, that just hurts. Cause what I want...what I am feels like it's not enough. Going on 3 months since I saw him. And everything I want, the fishing trips, the Sunday breakfast singing in the kitchen, his smile and laugh brightening my everyday, his lips to kiss every night, his presence lighting up my world. His love, his hands on me. Every single thing... may be what I always wanted but was always just something i never quite deserved or could win. A love I will never get or quite reach.

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