Holding It Together

To The Man In The Moon  -

I reached a point when I finally believed that my happiness was important. That pretending, faking it and just surviving was not enough. The last month has been this huge feeling of sinking, or perhaps even moving backwards. 
I saw the light at the end of a very long tunnel. But...
His light isn't for me. I guess thats not fair to say exactly. I believe he loves me. But I worry that it's the idea of me he loves. I know part of that lies within me and the relationship I have been in for so long. I read something about relationships after a toxic one and it hit home in a lot of ways. But I also think to what my therapist said, if I am so special and loved by him, why hide me and us after everything has supposedly come out. Is the motivation for his self preservation and comfort? Am I investing in a real relationship or the idea of one? Her targeting on the fact he doesn't question how much I love him because I have accepted him fully into my life while I am just a dirty secret crushes me in ways I still can't explain to him. 
There aren't words. The fear keeps me from speaking that truth. Honesty is hard. Look at the fights and the friends I have lost because I was honest about it all. I wouldn't take anything back. Dustin and I will have a stronger relationship as parents and friends whatever comes our way because I will never pretend, fake it or lie. 
I want reality. With He Who Can't Be Named.  Whatever ugly; beautiful; complicated mess that it is. I want to love him.... accept him, appreciate him and care for him for who he is. And I am doing that the best I can.
I am just so fucking scared. 
This man... the connection I feel with him pulls at not just my heart. It's odd. Like a string connected. And yet in reality in his world.. his life I am just the secret. How can he ever seriously be with me or move to be with me when I am nothing to everyone he cares and loves the most in his life? There it is. 😔 Why I struggle, why I am so scared. 
I am going to be ill. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
Read more

pieces

Image
To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...
Read more

Beginning to Heal

Image
To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
Read more