Given Half A Chance

To The Man In The Moon  -

I thought a lot about what 76 year old you would be like. I missed so many years with you now I don't cannot even remember what it was like to have you around let alone any idea what it would have meant at this age to still have you. 
What I wouldn't do to sit down and have a conversation about your life, love, advice, to just hear your laugh or see your smile. 
Why at 40 I am still not sure what a man who truly loves means. Why no amount of therapy can fix what losing both of my parents and leaving me alone in this world has done to my heart, my confidence, my soul. 
What is enough of myself to give to someone else? When is it time to say, I fucking matter. You and mom gave so much to each other. You were each others rocks even when you were gone. I never saw that woman not love you with everything she was a single day. 
I wish I knew that.
Liam was everything I wanted in life. All I have wanted for so long was to give that boy the strength and love to conquer his dreams. I am trying so hard to get the love and strength to conquer mine too. 
I am patient and solid. A rock like you and Mom. I love the way I was taught to love. I do it with everything I am. 
What am I doing wrong? Why am I not enough? My happiness has never depend on money or status or items of material goods. But on the love I put forth and give. And yet it eludes me. I keep the faith. I stay loyal and I keep putting all I am out to this world. I hope I make you proud. Even as I stumble. I hope I show Liam the value of love and giving your all for what and those you love. 
I wish Dad, I had the opportunity, to know you and your dreams better. 76 would have looked good on you. Being a grandpa was an honor you deserved a chance to enjoy. Liam will never know everything he missed. But I hope he will be an amazing dad and grandpa someday. I hope I live to see 76 and witness it. 
Why does time always feel like it's running out ? I know there will never be enough of it. But Given half a chance.....
I'll be a good mother and love Liam with everything I am. I will stop being afraid of never being enough, learn to let go of those that cannot see all that I am and I will live each day as if it was my last. 
I may not be able to do it all today or even tomorrow. But I am strong and beautifully flawed. And fuck the world if they don't want to walk this world with me. 

Love your gurl

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