Exhaustion

To The Man In The Moon  - 

Emotionally and physically I'm just so tired. I didn't sleep well last night. Obviously after writing my post. I woke up feeling better but then it kind of hit me again. HE WHO CANT BE NAMED didn't really talk about it. He doesn't want to know. He likes to ignore this stuff sometimes. Or push it off. I'm not sure.

But then I started feeling ill so I had to go lay down and take my stomach meds because I was really getting painful. 

It was never spoken about after that. 

So I haven't gotten to tell him what is weighing on me. Maybe he knows and just doesn't think we will survive the conversation. 

Here's the thing. For every time time he tells me how he feels about me and makes me feel secure that I am what he wants there are 5 more things he says that makes me question whether he is stringing me along until he finally decides what he really wants. 

I mean what if  SHE decides she doesn't want him then MAYBE  I will have a shot at being with him HYPOTHETICALLY. It makes me feel ...worthless. When you pair that with me not being enough to him for him to want me to be a part of his life... well I feel like ... an idiot.

I want to talk to him about it but I can't. I want him to understand that I love him. That I am in love with him. That I am serious about making a life with him. Helping him to succeed at his dreams and stand beside him and be there for him through whatever comes our way. I just want someone who will and does do that for me. I want him to feel as special and cherished for all he is.

I also want him to feel that and want that for me. And maybe thats just not true. Because the constant I love you and I miss you just as much....BUT ..... is fucking killing me. He asks me to trust him but I know that there is stuff he doesn't trust me enough to tell me. And to me it makes it feel like he's withholding things from me and if this is real then we should be real with each other in order to make this work. 

If SHE said she wanted to try and make this work, would he agree to do it?  Without a thought to what it would mean to him and I? I don t know. Does she know we still talk, that I mean anything at all to him?  He won't say whether it's because "she doesn't want to know" or if it's because if she did know then this would all be over because i am not the one.. And that's the thing. He can say he loves me. But if he is so certain that I am the one why couldn't he tell his best friend and someone he loves the truth? 

I had to look at the man I have been with for almost half my life and tell him that I wanted to talk to another guy whom he played a game with and would have to see and hear about every day while we go through figuring all this out with our house our families and our child. I have had to discuss meeting this man and falling in love with this man and be honest with him every step of the way for the sake of preserving a friendship and being better parents for the rest of our lives. And I feel like just a dirty awful secret. 

And I understand where he is at. Partly. I get that it's messy.  Nothing about what I am having to deal with here is clean. But because I had to be honest about it...it is easier.  I can't make that decision for him. I can't help him see everything he could have here as a good thing. Especially when if I am just a dirty secret at this point. He is asking me to be sure and trust in what we have when I am starting to feel like maybe he isn't sure and doesn't trust in what we have. 

This man holds my whole life and my heart in his hands. I am here ready to love him and support him and his dreams and desires. Prepared to let him into all I have and everything I love and cherish and make him one of those special things. But I am kept at arms length. And it feels likes it's because he is going to decide what to do once someone else decides what to do and it's not at all based on me. Because in his life there, I am not sure I exist. 

Love is so very difficult. But I understand unconditional love in a way I never have before. Because I love him and I want him to do what he feels he needs to do. Even if it means breaking me and my heart into a million pieces. Because if I truly mean what I say and feel then I will give that wonderful man my heart mind and body because that is the only true way to love  him. 

Lord, I pray. Let this man find clarity and hope. Let him find peace and comfort. And let him be strong enough to understand what great blessings you have given him and have in store for him. I pray he finds his way and his voice and the strength to use his truth and honor those blessings and you. And let him see my heart and find comfort in the love I have for him so that he can care enough to let me go so he can be happy if that is what it takes or so he may see comfort with me and find his strength to begin a life with me. Amen.

I hope he feels my love and care and concern. I hope he understands or is at least empathetic to my plight right now. I hope he knows how much and how hard I try to deal with me issues and not let this situation taint what an amazingly special and wonderful connection we have made. His heart speaks to me. The way I feel about him is different than anything I have felt before. I dont take it for granted and I hope he doesn't. 

Good night dad. 

I wish I could just have gotten the what I mean to you speech and the what my daughter deserves one. 

If I could get that fatherly advice about this it would have meant the world to me.

Your gurl.