Not so simple

To The Man In The Moon-
I love sitting under the moon. Outside in a crisp sky. I dont mind that I can't see all the stars. I know they are there. And they are beautiful whether I can see them all or not. Much like everyone I miss. It seems like I am always missing what I need the most. So much so that I honestly don't remember a time I haven't been needing someone that isn't here. 
Having someone that I can talk to has changed the way I think about missing someone. Having the possibility that there might come a time where I won't have to feel like I am alone...it's too good to believe sometimes. 
I try and count my blessings every day in someway. The possibility of it is something I am thankful for. But I still can't trust it. Hope. The hope he gives me. My heart feels so full of it sometimes. To the point I can almost feel it coming. I can almost see it happening and I want to badly to finally feel it and make it real. 
But it's not real. Not yet...
And it doesn't take much to shake me to my core. Because it's never been real. I have always put my everything out there, given it all I have and this time I feel it so much deeper...and it's scary.
To feel the push and the pull from him every day. He builds me up and breaks me a little every day. And I don't blame him. I don't understand it but I respect it and I may suck at showing it sometimes but I try.
Today he asked me if it was bad that he wants her to be the one to decide to end things..and I couldn't give him an answer. I told him to pray about it. It hurts. Is it bad that someone he says he loves and is his best friend he can't be honest with? Yes. Because that means he may never be able to be really honest with me either. 
I know that he loves me. But given the situation we are in... it's hard to feel like it's enough. Because I love him enough to not want to lie. I love him enough to risk it all so he can take his time and do what he says he needs to do whatever that is even when it hurts me. 
And I still keep doing more and more. 
Because of the love I have for him. But it's definitely starting to cost me my confidence and my faith. I fall to my knees. Looking for the right response. Looking for the right way the okay way to feel. And the thing is...I am tired of being the understanding person. The person begging to be loved and be enough. 
Dad. Hearing how special and wonderful I am, and never ever being the one..never being worth the love and sacrifice of the people I love and have loved.. it takes it's toll. 
I am just trying to hold it together as gracefully as I can. Because I have never felt this way.. I have never had a connection like this with anyone and if I ask myself what is the mere possibility of a life with this man and all we have together worth to me.. the pain the self doubt we'll it's worth it. He's worth it. I I just wish and pray for the strength and belief to hold onto that hope.

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