Will we? Won’t we?

To The Man In The Moon- 

Dad. I feel like a pathetic fool. When you think you see  the mask slip and you know you should start looking more closely.  call it as it is, or walk away. I don’t know what is real anymore. I don’t want to be the dirty secret. What I have to offer is not just to be hidden in the dark. 

He says he loves me. That I am a wonderful girl. He tells me he accepts me as I am. He has the right words and he can make the rest of the world melt away. But he also seems to twist the words and it leaves me vulnerable and a mess. Truth but only in halves. I can’t tell if  he is 100% telling me the truth. 

He is supposed to come here. Next week. One week. And I am so happy and excited that I am literally hiding my sadness about our last conversation. Because I am scared if I tell him that he’s hurting me with his behaviors and talk about Ashley.. I feel like if she told him she wanted him back, this would all come crashing down around me. I feel like he’s waiting for her to want him and I am just consolation prize. The revenge fuck. But I am keeping it in. I cannot stand the thought that  he will get upset and not come. I am an idiot chasing the illusion of love. I love him and I am praying that love is returned. That this is all perception and fear that is causing me so much pain. Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies. 

I am not something that should be so easily thrown away. I know I am not perfect but my love is true and I am honest.  😭 why is everything I am not good enough? 

The many ways I love him and I still seem to doubt his love because of this situation. 

I want to see him. I want to be able to look into his eyes  and feel his love. No questions except how can we be happy. Praying that I am able to get the ticket in 3-4 hours. Not that he will stay awake to make it happen. For every certainty I get from him it seems he will give me 2 more reasons to doubt the way he feels by his actions or what he says. He swears he is straightforward but he’s a roller coaster sometimes. He zigs and zags. I just want the truth. 

Why is that so much to ask?


Love - 

You’re girl

💙

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