Christmas Eve

 To the Man in the Moon - 

I used to love the holidays. Making all our Christmas cookies, the spritz, the sugar cookies, the lemon cake cookies and chocolate almond drop cookies. The chocolate covered pretzels. Every year. My mom and I were known for it. The orange frosting on the sugar cookies that we hand painted every year. 

I tried to keep it going. But Liam can’t handle the messiness of it and Dustin can only stand it for an hour and then he disappears and I end up crying alone in the kitchen over the cookies, missing mom and having someone who gives a shit about me. How I feel. 

I kind of gave up on Christmas this year. I bought Liam and Matt gifts and that’s it. The only Christmas joy I can summon at the moment is slowly dwindling away as the reality of my Christmas Eve and Christmas is going to be very sad. If I could just hide under the covers till next week. Pretend I am off being surrounded by people who care. Even though I don’t have any of those any more.

I hung Grandma and Grandpas ornaments on the tree. I did all of yours dad cause I can’t have a tree without a santa fishing ornament. Moms ornament are on there as well. The is so much we are missing this year. But the amount of fighting and bribery that had to happen for Liam to get a tree up was insane. I don’t want to ruin the holiday. I am just broken. I keep praying that these feelings and anxiety go away, and that Matt calls and messages me. I spent all night wondering if he would change his mind. If Ashley would want him to stay and do he would. Because she means more. And I am just an experiment. Meanwhile I fight myself and not get upset that maybe the reason he lies to her is because I am just some girl he talks to and nothing special. No sense losing Ashley over me. Fuck or something. I try and be okay that there is so much that he doesn’t say, so much that he doesn’t tell me or share with me. And I am just the girl trying to give him everything I have only to wake up looking like an idiot because I want him and I can’t get the hint that it’s never going to happen. That I am gonna be a strung out annoyance to him at any moment. 

Merry Fucking Christmas. 

From your toxic little whore daughter

P.S. Bah humbug I am going to go wash the tears of my face so I can wake up my son and slap on the smile that says love is going to get me through. Another broken idea. Another letdown. Another time I spend hours worrying and loving and caring about someone who either doesn’t see how much their indifference and indecision hurts me, or doesn’t care. I want to believe that he would never intentionally be stringing me along.  I am worth it damn it. I wish someone could see that . 

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