All That I’ve Got

 To The Man In The Moon -

So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me
Off guard, red handed now I'm far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me I I

I need something else would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out, and let me go back to sleep
I can laugh all I want inside I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me I I

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Unharmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat
I use to work so hard, I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

Yeah, it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got

So deep that it didn't even bleedin' catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got

It’s been a roller coaster of a day. Technically we are onto another day so maybe it’s this day that will suck so horribly. Who the fuck knows? The days optimism and hope has been replaced by the utmost dirty feeling of being used up. So only fitting I end it with a Used song that fits so beautifully well. 

I have so many questions that even my questions have questions. Like how did I get here? I know at every turn I follow my heart. I believe God gave me a good one and I can’t for the life of me find a way to block it out. It’s a part of who I am. I don’t want to lose it or give it up. But Lord, will it ever stop hurting? I was raised to believe in the people I love, to cherish them and appreciate them for all that they are. Money was never something we had, and we gave away more than we should because at the end of the day the love that was in our house was worth more than anything anyone else ever owned. I never knew it was rare, or precious it was just the way I was taught to love, completely and without conditions. 

I have spent so much time and effort loving people who either couldn’t, wouldn’t or didn’t know how to love me. I am a mess. I know there are just as many things to hate about me as there is to love. I see my flaws. I work on them as much as I can. But I am me. Just me. I can fight like a demon and love like song. But I need and want just like everyone else. I stumble, I get back up and I will try again and again. I give all that I’ve got and I will till I can’t anymore. Why if I am such a beautiful,  great and amazing person and I so damned hard to love? 


Words and reassurance. Affection and concern. Compassion and understanding. With a willingness to learn. Communication and laughter. A way to smile and hold my hand through the tears. Beside me to lead and guide me and equally follow as we navigate the years. I want a partner that knows my flaws and can love them when I push and pull and fight. Cause Lord know I intend love, care and appreciate each and every day good with the bad. 

But all I get is I am sorry. Like a record in my head. But tomorrow is another day. Sorry I just had to let it out. Set it free in so to say, so I can close my eyes and pretend he isn’t so very god damn fucking far away.

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