Doubt

 To The Man In The Moon -

Doubt is such a tricky thing. I can be feeling secure one moment and then suddenly be standing on the edge of a cliff the next. Never knowing whether it’s myself that I am doubting or everyone else. Suddenly everything I feel is a lie. The confidence erased and I am just a fool left standing alone. For I am alone. There is no doubt in that. Alone when I am sick. Alone in the fight. Alone in my feelings. 

I can’t love any harder than I do. I don’t know how to not give myself to the person I care for. Which means while everyone else seems to be able to hold themselves at a distance from me, I am there with my entire heart exposed and vulnerable. All while I fight my demons and everyone else’s just to be enough. 

I am so tired of having to fight to be loved and cared for. I am so tired of offering myself and everything I have just to feel inadequate and not worthy of being loved the way I want to be loved. 

I have been strong.  I have learned forgiveness, tenderness, compassion, surrender, patience and being consistent and listening in love. I care deeply about the people I love. So why I am so hard to love? 

I am tired of hearing how much I deserve. If I deserve so damn much why is no one, and I mean no one willing to put it all on the line for me? Why do I lose sleep and money over something and someone who aren’t willing to do the same. 

Am I broken?

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