Ticket to Fly

 To The Man In The Moon - 

He booked his ticket. Dustin is horribly upset that I am paying for the ticket but I can’t not do it. I would have paid more just to see him. I know that it’s a bit irrational at times. I really know that sometimes loves makes us do the wacky. But this isn’t wacky. 

Wacky is waking up missing him. It’s every time I wish that I could look at him and laugh, or hear him sing or watch the faces he makes as he’s reading something. It’s not being able to call and share something with him. It’s me wanting him to feel the same and need to have me next to him and supporting him. It’s the moments that I don’t get to share. 

Having a partner to do things with. Someone who cares about how I feel and what I am doing. I don’t want to be a piece of furniture that is just there. It’s very easy to feel slighted when texting. Distractions and slow reply’s to a subject that the other person is fixated on and the other is miles away leads to so much anxiety and misunderstanding. I am aware and I try and be patient and sympathetic. But it’s hard. 

In one week, I will once again, have the chance to look into his eyes, hold his hand, touch his skin and kiss him. My heart beats to have him near me again. But I wanted this, him so much, that I am terrified he is goi g to come and realize I am not something he loves I am a toy, a good time, a nice girl but not what he wants. I am scared he will hate everything about me suddenly. The way I sit, or eat, my house, my life. All the things that I am. I have told myself a million times, you are who you are. You are worthy of love. You are awesome and sometimes even someone we love, doesn’t love us back. 

But he’s the sparkle in my day. He’s the sudden rush of oxygen to my lungs. His playful nature and his laughter light me up. The way he can be vulnerable, and tell me how he’s feeling. It’s makes my soul feel like it’s not alone anymore. 

But what happens if I am not that for him? What happens when what he has at home is way better than anything I have to offer? 

I am trying to accept things as they are. He talks of things like they are so simple and easy sometimes. And others he acts like I am a crazy person he doesn’t know. I could talk to this man everyday for the rest of my life and never be done learning things. I love that about him. I love so much about him. 

But does he love me? 

Am I looking at forever but he’s only seeing next week?

I wished and prayed for him to come here. Just as I wish and pray for him to just find what makes him happy. I cried so hard when I prayed for that, because it’s when I realized as much as I want to believe him and that he loves me so much and wants to be with me, I really just wanted this man to find love and happiness. Of course I want to be that for him, but Lord if I am not what he wants, please help him find the peace and love he is searching for. 

It may not be me. But lord I keep praying to let it be me. 

Merry Christmas


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