Anxieties and Insecurities

To The Man In The Moon - 

I’m wrecked today. I feel like an open wound. One that just won’t heal. Every little move makes it reopen. 

At some point the confidence I had in my feelings and his started to falter. And I haven’t gotten back to that place since then and it is making everything I feel and everything do feel like I am wrong, like this is wrong. I wish I could trace it back to that moment. Because I want to find the root of this feeling. The feeling that instead of one day closer to being with him, that I am that much closer to losing him. 

I am in a constant free fall. Every time I try and get a better grip I feel like a piece breaks off in my hand and I fall further and further away from the one thing I want. 

I keep hoping tomorrow will be better and instead I feel like it’s a little bit worse. And I ruining everything? Is it my fears, is it my neediness, is it my desire, is it me? Or is he really not in this with me? 

Every single word I am trying to decide a secret meaning. Like I am waiting for him to tell me the truth is that this is all a lie. That he can never be with me. That he can’t love me. That he never did. That every single conversation we had was just talk. A way to pass time. That he never intends to be with me and that is why he can’t promise me anything. 

My thoughts get so dark. I have pictured him kissing her, joking with her about the pathetic lady who loves him. I have pictured him sending other girls the same type of messages he sends to me. I picture him laughing at my messages and my pain. I picture him indifferent towards me and my feelings the same way I am always treated. I picture him not caring about me and my pain. 

Why when that isn’t who he is, do I fear all of that so much. Is it because it’s easier than the truth, that while he may love and care about me that I am not worth taking the chance? 

Dad, I love him. I know all those bad things I picture and all the things I worry about and get scared of are just fears and insecurities. But it doesn’t make them go away. I am so very alone and I want him to be there. I want him to chase these damn thoughts away. But he jokes about it and he dismisses things and then I am really scared that all my fears and insecurities are all real. He used to chase them away. He used to go out of his way to make sure I knew what he felt. So does that mean I am now feeling all the doubt and fear he has? 

I want to be able to look him in the face. I want to be able to touch him and feel how he feels when we are right there next to each other and there isn’t this space and this tension and this frustration keeping us apart. Then the questions and the doubts fall away. 

Instead I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep, running though all the ways it could be. Him coming here for a visit. Him seeing what this could be and not having a single doubt that together is where we need to be. Us making a plan for him to come live and work here and test the waters for a while. If he’s happy, we talk about permanent solution, and I finalize the divorce, sell the house and we buy another for us or whatever we decide. Maybe it’s not a grand plan. But it’s because it’s just mine. He has no idea and doesn’t even elegant to think about any of that except as an illusional day in theory. 

Maybe that’s all it will ever be. This great thing that never happened. That’s the story of my life. 

I am going to bed, to sleep to forget. To hopefully dream but even those don’t want me.

I love you Dad. I miss the honest love you and mom provided. Because now I don’t know if I will ever truly be loved for me ever again. 

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