Ways I Break and Bend

 To the Man in the Moon -

I have spent so much of my self trying to care and love for people who don’t care or appreciate anything I do. I moved away from my family to be with a man who could care less if I was happy or not and even less for my family. I was his cheerleader and his trophy and nothing more. So I found someone who had his shit together, who couldn’t keep his hands off of me and wanted to see me succeed. But when I faltered and my health failed and I was no longer the one steering the ship and everything else for that matter well it all came crashing down. I know that having a son on the spectrum is difficult and my health being good and then suddenly bad is stressful but I have killed myself trying to make things better. It seems like that is all I ever do. 

See I fell for this amazing guy. He enjoys communication, he can be so sweet, he has a huge heart, and he’s intelligent, and funny. He makes me smile down to my toes. He isn’t perfect, he’s beautifully flawed in ways I want to understand. But for all the ways I love him, there are so many ways he isn’t and may never be mine. 

I spent hours talking to my therapist over the last couple of weeks. She’s so proud that I am walking away from Dustin after everything. It took so long to see he was never going to be what I needed. But now she asks me over and over, why and how is Matt the guy that is giving me what I need? 

I am trying my best not to put all of my past issues onto him. The trauma and the fear. But I love him and with that comes all those issues. I bend and break every rule for him. I know it and I see it and I still do it. Cause I want to believe. I want to believe that he’s going to find it harder to be without me. I want to believe that the fear is going to fade and faith in me and us will shine through. But we’ve both been broken and he doesn’t think it’s worth the risk at this point. So we keep trying to make it work. Everyday I bend the rules that I had, every broken rule I made myself to keep from being the fool. I am the doormat though he doesn’t see it. He’s not that type but it doesn’t mean I am not what I am. I am just that girl. Destined to give my heart and myself away. Praying that someday someone looks at me and sees how much more I could be than just their cheerleader, their sex toy, their way to kill time. I want to believe it’s different. He’s different. I know he is cause there are times when I feel it and I am so sure it feels like doubting his love and determination is an impossible thing. But he’s there planning his days and his weeks and his months without me. And I am here bending and breaking. Wanting too much and offering too much to someone who isn’t prepared to take it and cherish it. So I just keep bending and breaking and hoping I can just hold on to what I am allowed to want and have. 

It sounds horrible like I am so mistreated. No I am a horrible selfish bitch who wants to be happy and wants to love and be loved  in this crazy shit world. 

Believe me I am such a lucky woman. I have a wonderful amazing son who is the light of my life and who has made me into a stronger person and a dedicated mother which is all I have ever wanted out of life. I have wonderful supportive friends as well. The only thing my life is missing is a partner that will hold my hand and walk with me through the tough times, a person that will help me fight through the problems and keep me focused on the happy quiet times that make life worth living. Finding it and having it I am figuring out are two entirely different things. I found the most amazing man, dad. He had this sparkle in his eye that both kills me and lights me up like a Christmas tree. His intellect,  his sense of humor and his way of challenging and stimulating my thoughts and ideas. His passion for what he believes and feels moves my soul. My heart. 

And yet I am so scared of how easily it can all fall apart. It’s increasingly evident that if I don’t make a move away from Dustin that things are going to get worse. But what do I do. Where do I go? I am stuck. Short sale on the house? Where will Liam and I go and will we make it on our own? Taking him away from the home he knows will be a nightmare without some sort of stability. Trying to do it all already has my heart issues acting up if I get sick and end up in the hospital because of my stomach for a month because of this stress how is that helping anything? So I wait for some divine plan. I push Dustin harder and make things worse on Liam and myself. Trying to stay happy and keep all the balls in the air is so difficult. A lifetime of fighting for the illusion of happiness has killed me. I just want to be enjoying life with its ups and downs and being happy with the people I love. 

How very selfish and crazy.



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