white flag

Somedays I just can't get out from under the dark cloud. I woke up and was sick. Being without my medicine and my dexcom is not good. 
I can't fight Dustin about it. 
I also can't fight him to care when I don't feel well. In fact it just makes everything worse.
I frustrated Matt several times today as well. Making my day even worse.
Like I said. I can't get out from under it.
Add to it my fears that I am going to ruin this man's life and I have had several full on melt downs today. 
I need to still take care of stuff for tomorrow and get food prepped as I try and make this a good holiday for Liam. 
I'm an emotional wreck. 
I miss my mom. I am down and pessimistic and doubting myself at every turn. I keep trying to smile and pick myself up and instead...I just find more ways I am lacking.
I dont want to fight or be angry but at least then I feel something more than like I am failing and fucking everything up. 
I'm scared. And I am even scared to say I'm scared. I am tongue tied just trying to get the words out. 
I failed Dustin. I failed Liam. I am praying that dont fail Matt. And I don't want to fail Liam anymore. Hes so excited. And I am scared that all I am going to do is fuck things up. 
I never realized how broken my heart and my trust was until Matt challenged me, and made me feel how strong being in love with such a wonderful man could be. 
I'm scared. That he can't or won't love me or being with me. The fear is real. It's all too real for me. 😔 I can't sleep and I'm holding onto hopeso tightly..

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