picking up

I want to be special. In the person I loves eyes. I want to be cherished and trusted, counted on and backed up. I have expectations and desires that I need my partner to care about and prioritize along with their own. Is it too much to ask to be treasured and respected the way I treasure and respect him. I don't like feeling like just a thing. 
I saw the many flaws in my first marriage. The anger and resentment, the difference of values and pursuits. I learned a lot about love and myself. He loved me. And I am grateful for how much he loved me and cherished me. If we hadn't been heading in two very different directions things could have been different. But he was headed on his own road and I am very happy for him.
With Dustin, I know what his flaws are now. Things changed and it wasn't anyone's fault in the beginning. We both played our parts. I see how the way I loved him changed his life. Someone that built him up and believed in him and wanted greatness for him made him proud and it gave him confidence and power to do many things he wanted. But in that he lost sight of us..me. maybe he never saw me and my needs. But when life got hard..I was alone. And as thing have progressed I was still very much alone.
But I see how some of my actions and my way of caring and loving didn't help us.
By the time I was tired of always being the one to take care of everything, he was beyond thinking he needed to help. 
Matt and I still haven't found out who we are together. I keep telling myself things happen for a reason and I do not question that I was meant to love him. But he tells me things that scare me. That I am too needy, that I am emotional and a cry baby. That I don't listen. And I feel like I am hearing all these ways that I am going to fail. That I am being warned and to figure my shit out now because he already doesn't like all these things about me. The expectations are scaring me. I already feel guilt about things. I feel like I am already failing us. Him. The feeling that I am not going to be what he wants and needs. That what I wanted could ruin everything. That it's all going to be too fast for him. That my life is not good. And I am trying really hard to keep a brave face. 
I am aware of my faults and flaws and all the issues I have, my son has and I am feeling like I need to go over all the things that are fucked up about me and Liam and make sure he's not going to miserable trying to make a life with us. It's hard and it's ugly. I get sick and I get upset. I get overwhelmed and frustrated. I get angry and hurt. I love him but I am scared that he's going to find this is a huge mistake. That I am a mistake. That loving me was the worst idea he ever had. And then I have to figure out how to fix the mess that is me and my life after losing the man I love because once again...I am either not enough or far too much. 
I feel like I am constantly doing something wrong. Feeling too much. Thinking too much. Caring too much. I'm not sure where I keep going wrong. It shouldn't feel like that . 
I know that. I know that I love him and I am ready to love his bad moods and days, his ornery side and his snippy quips just as much as the times when he makes me laugh, holds my hand, and makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. 
And still I am worried that my expectations of being listened to, loved, cared for and cherished are something he isn't prepared to do. Is that part of me being too needy? Is it part of something he doesn't like or care about? Cause I don't want to make demands to be loved. I have begged and pleaded enough in this life and the next to be loved and treated as a partner. I wont do that again. 
I have all these romantic gestures and ideas, so many things I want to give and share with him..and I am scared. I have given away freely and lost so much love in my life..I just want to be loved and made to feel secure with him.
Or is that all too emotional and needy?
I want to love him with everything I have and I just want to feel that in return. 
I just keep loving and being the best I can be and hoping it and I am enough to be worth all of this to him. 

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