another day down

Matt - 
I am having such a hard time tonight just speaking my mind to you. I love you so much and I struggle with knowing when to be compassionate and understanding and when to be harder and give tough love. 
I suck. But everything about our situation sucks right now.
I feel like I am losing it. I let myself be excited and happy and then I realize how much is in the way of being happy. Not just for me but more for you. 
I am pushing down a lot of feelings. I am doing it to make things easier and it sucks. 
I am supposed to be supportive and loving and understanding. 
I know how many times we have talked about things with you and Ashley. And I know how many half truths were told to me. How many times you wanted to make it seem like it was okay and 7 days before you move here..even though your broken up... it's not. The lies are there. I see and feel them.  They aren't protecting anyone. And it scares me that I will never know the truth. Whether it was you or her you wanted to protect. That you will always think you know better than to show love by being honest about what happens, hiw unsure you are putting us first. 
It's a fear. It's a fear that you tell me I have nothing to worry about and I am scared that it isn't true. So little time left till I fly there. Liam is excited and I am more than a little scared. 

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