keep breathing

To The Man In The Moon -
I feel like I am constantly holding my breath. I have to keep reminding myself to just keep breathing. I realize most of it is fear and anxiety. I am working through the best way I know how. 
I dont want to be an emotional train wreck. 
I just could use some sweet loving words to sooth the stirred up emotions that keep wanting to rage around. 
But I don't want to beg or need too much 

I need too much. Right now.
I want too much. 

This fear I have of losing him, that sometimes I still struggle to figure out how to let go of. I do really well and then Bam!
I am doubting myself and my worth. 
I handle the jokes but there is a little piece of me that says there is truth to everything...and he could not be joking maybe he's wanting to throw it out there to see how I react and what it would mean. 
See...
Self doubt...raging everywhere 
He has said to me before he wouldn't do all this and not come. Because how would he look. But what does that even mean? 
Yesterday was hard because I only got to talk to him for these little short bursts and then work was not going well and he was irritated, cranky and I felt like the last thing he wanted to deal with.
It's bound to get complicated and messy. I just worry its all going to turn to frustration and sadness leading up to what should a happy thing? I have struggled with what I feel and want and how selfish I am.  I'm scared and my fear is keeping me silent. Even knowing broken communication will wreck me when it should be good. 
I dont feel good. There is a lot I am worried about. Is it my health or the stress of it all making me ill and bringing me down. Cause I am struggling to get up right now. 

Will he hate my habits?
The way I cook? 
Will I irritate him because I am affectionate and want the same? 
Will he find he was happier before?
I feel like I need to be something I'm not..and I know that isn't coming from him..it's coming from not knowing him and us. I am old. I am disgusting. I am lazy. I am moody. I am horrible. I literally sat in a bath soaking in all the self hate I have for myself seeing what he believes he loves. Until we go and put ourselves together and he sees everything and the man I tried so hard to make a space here for...the man I love will see all of this and realize...nope and I will give and spend everything trying to help him get where he wants to be. 
And I will be broken..and lost without him.

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