I'm not crying..over spaghetti

There are days i struggle to get up. Today..yesterday...the day before. 
With my stomach and the way things are going I am so worried and anxious and overwhelmed all the time that I just start shutting down. I am not sleeping. Then when I do I can't make myself get up. 
I was doing so well and now.. 
I pray about it. I trust in our love, I trust in him. But it's all these other factors I keep worrying about. 
My worries for him are all about how difficult it must be for him. Things that I can't help. That he will get frustrated or overwhelmed or too scared and not talk to me. The many many times he likes to remind me that I am such a needy person... I'm not going to leave him alone. I'm confused and scared because nothing I do will be right. I feel like I am going to fail at loving him and being me.. like I don't love him or won't love him right.
And now my confidence is gone.. and I don t know what to do. 
I can feel myself being extremely hard on me. I am taking everything to a bad place and I get confused or upset. 
When I have to rely on someone to trust someone especially for them to follow through....it is a huge problem for me. 
I wish like fuck I could talk to someone about it. I wish I could stop. But sometimes the only way through is to deal with it head on. 
I want to talk to Matt. I want to apologize for being such a fucking idiot and tell him I am here for him and I trust him. But who can blame someone for not wanting to talk to them when they are constantly on the verge of tears because they are worrying too much. 
I just don't quiet understand why he would even want to leave his life to be here when I am obviously a fucked up mess. 
I am upset. I plan and do things to make things better for us. I am trying to be better. I want to make this man happy..and I am starting to feel like I may not be able...
I'm not perfect. And I am not going to be able to become something I am not. 


I feel like

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