Where Love Resides

To The Man In The Moon

I feel very lonely. I want to share and talk but i dont have that at the moment. I think and worry so much about how others feel and their happiness . I think sometimes I count myself as selfish if I care about own happiness. I know it comes with being a mom, but thats not it. Its someone caring about me and my life, and my happiness. Its me having to hold everything back because if I dont then there is no one to help hold me and everything else together. I need so much reassurance  and someone to get me out of my head. Its too much to ask. I know I am a lot. My anxiety is through the roof since he left and everything went insane. I spend a lot of time second guessing myself and my worth. My therapist asked me what my biggest fear is that is holding me back. And the thing I keep coming back to is, what if I am not enough? I know I worry about being enough for him. That I am the stupid girl who can't see that he doesn't want me because I am beyond a mess. That I am madly in love with a man who I have no chance with. And it's not just him, what if I am not doing enough for Liam. Am I standing up enough for him, am I giving and showing him enough patience and understanding? Am I going to be able to give him and show him what real love is and what he deserves? Can I help Dustin become the strong supportive, caring father that he so desperately needs? 

I need to be stronger. I need to stop letting everything worry me so much. I am so scared that everything I want and need is always going to be out of my reach. That I will spend forever trying to find a tiny piece of happiness that is mine and will never actually get to enjoy it. 

I know, its a moment of weakness. They come and they go. Ill shake this off and smile like I mean it. Even if I never get to know happiness at least I can say I have always tried. I miss having some to help pick me up. I miss mom. I miss feeling like I am safe and loved. This state of being terrified vulnerable and alone trying to figure out what to do and how to be strong for my son while all of this shit goes on and having no one who cares only for me and Liam sucks. I pray you and mom are watching over me and Liam. 

Love, 

Your Gurl 

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