Anxiety Sucks

 To The Man In The Moon -


No matter how much I think I can handle, anxiety likes to remind me I am not as strong or in control as I think I am. TWO in the last two days. 

The one last night hit me and I thought I was just feeling sick at first. Then the racing heart and fear hit me like a train. All this worrying and this uncertainty left the door open and anxiety slid right in. No matter how much I talk about it and write it out, this fear that I have, that I get about whether he is serious about him and I and what that means, or if he is still holding on to wanting something or someone else is taking its toll on me. I know what its like to love someone and not have the same goals. I have killed myself to make something work when the other person doesn't work at it at all. I can't do that again. I'm tired of hearing what an amazing person I am. Only to find I am not amazing enough to be love and cared for and wanted. Because if I am so fucking amazing and wonderful why is I am fighting so hard to be seen and loved? Why am I chasing after the people I love, begging and throwing myself at their feet like an idiot? I can't help but feel its all a lie sometimes. That I am some joke that he laughs about with his friends and his girl friend. Its these thoughts that make me want to vomit. That I fell in love so hard and so fast, and I would give him my entire world, but I am just a joke. Just a toy to make someone else feel good. Just a pathetic disillusioned lonely woman that will end up torn to pieces when the game is over. 


This is the shit my head runs off with. I picture him with her or talking to someone else. I picture him happily living his life. 

I know I am beyond fucked up. Because when I look into his eyes, I dont see any of that. When we are talking and laughing I feel none of this. Its the times in between, whe he says things about hating certain stuff or what he wants to do, plans for the future, how wonderful he and her are together. That's when I feel it. And I start to fall apart. Because it all stays right there. Waiting to hit me and run me over. And I am right back to the feeling that I am an idiot. Throwing my heart, my love and my time and trting to fly to be with someone who will can't or doesn't love me enough to see a future with me, or my son. 

I am going to lay down. I can't. I dont want to. I just need to silence this feeling of losing it all. 

Dad. I wish I had gotten to know the kind of man you were. So I knew what to be looking for and how to know what's real. I have been abused and used and shared and left, I still wonder what's left for anyone to love. Maybe thats it, all that's left is never what anyone would ever want to keep.  

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