It Must Be Me

To The Man In The Moon -

Today is one of those throw your arms to the sky and fall to your knees kind of days. My stomach and back are making me worried that I am going to end up with my gastroparesis acting up and my anxiety and pain is through the roof. And once again my own husband will not help me. No glass of water no help with my medicine, he didn't feed Liam, nothing. And then his car won't start and he thinks I am going to go out in the snow to help him? I am always going to be nothing. So I am making lunch and vomiting and pushing through pain again. No matter how hard I try, or what I do, my reality is this. I am trying so hard to keep my head up and believe I deserve better. I know I know self pity will get me no where. I just needed ... I need to feel like someone is here and has my back. I am struggling a lot lately. I know the more I dont feel good the more Dustin becomes resentful and mean. I am trying my best to be healthy and stay positive but fuck. I am tired of being treated like being sick is a choice. That I am some big problem because I am in pain and I need help. I cease to exist when I need help and support. As soon as I can't be there to help others I lose all value. Is it any wonder I feel like nothing? Because at the end of the day when I am still trying I am doing it all just to be curled up on the floor, alone. 

I am not pathetic. I am not weak. I am not perfect and I am a mess. I am worth the struggle and the mess. This pain is temporary and I will come out the other side. I just need to stop and find my strength. God has me. I am enough for no one else if not for him. 


My medicines are finally starting to easy the pain. I ate some bread and finished making Liams lunch. Dinner maybe late tonight depending on whether I am able to cook and eat afterwards. So lovely when I spend all my time cooking only to not be able to eat afterwards. No wonder I am losing weight. I hate being such a fucking mess. Physically, emotionally and mentally I am such a train wreck.  

I am faltering. Everyday I am a little less sure of everything. I dont know if its because nothing is promised to me. I can do all the things my heart tell me to do, be honest, be generous, show patience, be supportive, be vulnerable, be thankful, and appreciative of everything he is but I have tried to give my all and everything I am. I am scared. I regret nothing. I love him. And no matter what I give or how I give, I am doing it with my whole heart and if he decides that he can't be with me, it won't be because I didn't give him all of me. I am just so fucking scared that I am going to get destroyed. I am too scared to talk to him about what is going on with him at home. I mentioned a visit once and he didn't seem to want to talk about it. I keep focusing on each day. Today he is busy at work. So he hasn't called. I was so excited to get him the headphones. Sometimes I feel like such an idiot. How many guys wouldn't just love to have some stupid girl willing to do whatever it takes to be loved? How many wouldn't want to use a stupid girl just like me? Am I stupid because I don't believe him to be that kind of man? Am I stupid because I believe him and in him? Lord knows I do. I put my love and trust in him and now I am all wrapped up and terrified that the most amazing man I have ever met is going to break my heart. And still, I love him enough to say if I am not what can make him happy then I pray he finds it. 😔 i am such a damn mess. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
Read more

pieces

Image
To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...
Read more

Beginning to Heal

Image
To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
Read more