If I Knew What You Were Thinking


 To The Man In The Moon -

🎶 You're just a stone's throw from me

But throwing stones could never be
The perfect way to start
'Cause sticks and stones make broken bones
Empty words make broken homes
But it's love that broke her hearts
And if I knew what you were thinking
I would stop this boat from sinking
But darling you are like the sand
And you're slipping through my hands
I just don't know what you're thinking
You're just a photo in a drawer
But photographs are not much more
Than ghosts we can't forget
Just a red rag to a bull
You're just a false hope for a fool
But it's as close as I can get
And if I knew what you were thinking
I would stop this boat from sinking
But darling you are like the sun
Setting when my evening comes
I just don't know what you're thinking
And I would stop the sky from falling
If I knew
If I knew
And I would love you every morning
If I knew
If I knew
Oh, oh
And if I knew what you were thinking
I would stop this boat from sinking
But darling you are like the stars
I know I can't reach that far
I just don't know what you're thinking 🎶


I am stuck. I am holding on to hope and I keep putting on foot in front of the other but I am feeling like I am getting no where. Every decision I make feels like I am making the wrong one. I dont want to get hurt but I dont want to play it safe and lose out on something and someone that gives me hope and happiness I have been missing for so long in my life. But I keep feeling like I am chasing after something that I can't have or maybe I am not meant to have. 

I spent my morning looking and imagining flying out to be with him. But feeling like it would all be to make me feel better. It would be an expensive trip that ends with me going home in tears still wondering if I am forcing or pushing this. He would walk away. He wanted probably still wants to be able to focus on what he needs to do. To focus on him. I am beyond selfish, because I dont know how to walk away and do what he deserves. So I have tried to do everything to make this easier. I am an idiot to think any of this changes anything. I know it doesn't. I am scared. 

So I bottle it up. I try and keep my insecurities under control. I try and stay positive and do what I can to make him happy. Because I can't win. I can only enjoy who he is and what he is to me in this moment. I love him. I will take a deep breath and take my good days with the bad. I will love him the best way I know how and I will thank God for the man he has introduced to me and for the love that man has shown and given me and I will cherish every moment he is in my life. 

I dont know that I will make the trip. I want to see him, and be with him.  What I want, to see and experience his life I know and understand I cannot get. I need to accept my place right now. And I guess thats why I struggle. I need to either accept and respect it or let him go. 

I dont want to let him go. 
But I hear his indecision, I feel it. He may love me, but his heart and his body is still with her. I am that distraction. I dont want to just be the girl on the other end, wishing for him while he goes on with some other girl. I dont want to be that great girl who wasn't worth the time or the effort. I just want to be loved. I want to be #1 in someone's eyes and heart too.

When did I become this pathetic person? I am worthy of being someone's everything. At least ... I should be. Fuck. 

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