Never Figured It Out

 To The Man In The Moon -

I had this idea. It was a stupid idea. But I told myself what could it hurt to try. It hurt me. I dont know what I am doing anymore. I keep telling myself to follow my heart and to trust my gut. I have prayed about it. For guidance and for faith. And most of all for patience. In myself and in him. I tell myself to stop making everything so easy for him when I still don't understand where I stand. Why do I trust in him so much? How can I keep offering myself and my life so completely to someone anyone when I am so broken and a mess? Is it any wonder that he isn't here? 

I wanted to visit him. Everything I ever said to this man still holds true to this day. I go back and read over some of our first conversations because I miss him so much. The first picture he sent me of where he was going fishing. Still one of my favorite things he has ever shared with me. I go down that whole and I dont want to come back to reality. 

He didn't seem that thrilled about the visit. He said he wanted to see me but there is always a but. He told me he would come here. He said he was worried about it being difficult for me but I think this was a wonderful case of deflection. 

I knew it wouldn't be easy for him to come back after everything that has happened. I really didn't want to talk about it because I knew it would make me depressed and sad with absolutely nothing actually said. I am in the dark. I want to be understanding but I feel like I never quite get the whole picture. 

I thought...well I think a lot of things. But I thought I understood but I swear, I am trying. I want to be happy. Fuck I want him to be happy. But I fear the more I miss and want him the more damage I do. 

Hes happy. I dont want to mess that up for him. He has everything he cares for and loves with him. I am trying be supportive and understanding and let him figure out what he really wants. I am just scared. I feel something so deeply and strongly for him that I am terrified. He's still trying to decide what he wants out of life. He's still trying to figure out who he wants to be with. And I am just the old idiot spending all my love and time and money hoping and praying that I am not crazy and he can and does love me. 

He said something today that made me smile. He says so many things that make me laugh and giggle. But its the littlest moments, those tiny immeasurable moments when he's telling me what he thinks about something or how he feels that keeps me so in love with him. Its the things he hates doing but still does, its the songs that pop into his head and he's singing it under his breath. Its the moments when he gets real with me and let's the guard down. Its the twinkle in his eyes. 

I love too hard. I fell too fast. I am too much of a mess and not enough of a strong independent woman. I am broken and weak. And its in the moments when I just want to touch his hair or hold his hand or hear his laugh that I break. 

But its not for me. He's still working out what and who he wants. And I dont know how to stop wanting and loving him and I feel like I am ruining every thing with my confusion.  

So I am not going to visit. Again. Because it's not where I can go . Its not a place I am allowed go. I can't be a part of something if its not meant for me. No matter how much I love him, if my love is making his life harder and more complicated, how can I keep pushing ? It is only going to hurt me more. He says he will visit but he's already said he has reservations about coming. How could he not?

I should have respected his wishes when he said he's unhappy and being with me when he is still with her is making him feel like a bad person, and was making him not like himself. Love should be about building that person up and I have been complicant in the name of love  for the sake of myself. I am selfish in wanting to love him when he isn't mine and isn't ready to be mine to love. 

My love should never be a bad thing. I really need you Dad. I need to think on this. 

Your mess of a daughter.

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