Where Am I?

To The Man In The Moon - 
I am so lost. Its like I must no longer live inside my body. I visit. And unfortunately when I am in pain...well then I am trapped there. 
I was miserable with the way my relationship was. I never gave up. I felt it slipping further and further away and I tried holding onto it. And you know, it occurs to me now, I was going to let him go. I was letting him go. It hurt but it hurt because I knew we wasnt in love with me anymore. I had no idea how bad, but I was holding onto hope that he would see I was giving up because he was showing me he didnt care anymore. But he was so busy loving other women and what they could give him that I couldn't, and now I am seriously wondering why I didnt just let him go. 
I had shared or rather tried sharing my thoughts and feelings with him so many times. Hell I sent him a link to this blog. Everything good and bad if he cared I gave him the key. 
But does he ever care enough to make the effort? 
Has he wanted to talk to me about any of this? 
Oh we know the answer, dont we. 
I feel like he wants praise if he does anything for me, like it has to be brought up and show cased. I am supposed to thank him and just be soo thankful that he would think of me ever? I guess it goes to show he doesnt do anything for me, its for him to feel better. This man is bare minimum mother fucking me. I appreciate thoughtful gestures, consideration, the simple fact that he would pick up something I like, but...the shit you want credit for doing like its special? Thats love. Thats basic love. And i appreciate it but I dont applaud for the man who cheated on me for a year and now thinks when he is being no better than any other mother fucker who simply has thoughtfulness towards someone? Do I get credit for all the million things and ways I left him notes, messages, presents, snacks, drinks, the books and things I learn and try to learn to help him, the self help books and videos, the therapy and relationship things I have been doing since day one? What about all that and then all the things I am working through to stay with you and love you and get myself better while you were cheating on me with all these other women for a year and all the ways I am trying to get you to see, learn and grow with me to fix this? No... great. 
I am wondering why my dumb ass wants to fix this. I need to fix me. Because I dont deserve this and I am obviously suffering from some very deep deadly for of depression and trauma because somehow I keep trying with this man!!!!
When do you think it will be enough? 
When will I look at him and realize no matter how much love I give him, it will never be enough?
How fucked up will it get before I can love myself enough to stop this?
Will he ever regret all the times I gave him an opening and he didnt take it?
Maybe the point is that he never will. 
I need a man that shows me what I deserve. A man that would spend what's left of our lives doing just that, because he doesn't want to waste another moment unhappy without me. I still hold onto hope that someday...one day, I am going to feel it. I am just now starting to realize how fleeting that moment will be. And maybe it will only be on the last day I close my eyes and finally come home to you and Mom.  I am so broken. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
Read more

pieces

Image
To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...
Read more

Beginning to Heal

Image
To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
Read more