Grey Day

To The Man In The Moon  - 
It doesn't much feel like Christmas Eve. 
I couldn't muster the spirit to put up the tree or lights. I put the flowers on the sconces. I couldn't find the love this year. 
I wanted the lights. I wanted something pretty. Some twinkles. But ..
I made sugar cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate almond and lemon cake cookies. Alyssa and Natalie were going to come help decorate the sugar cookies but between all the crap going on they never made it. It hurt. I have been fighting to stay well and I really needed them. I need love, laughter. I need something. Soft. Comforting. Safe. Why do I feel like my world is crumbling?
I dont think I can tell Matt. I think hes realizing hes unhappy with me too. 

I am happy that he and I were able to get Liam the computer he has been wanting for a long time. I hope its good enough to do what he wants and that he is happy. I wasnt able to do anything else. Not much for Matt and nothing for anyone else. Except the cookies. Not for a lack of trying. But 2025...life...well we know how it goes. Dustin got him a computer desk and Grandma Judy got him a monitor. So together we were all able to pull it all together. Now if I can just get him to help clean, organize and move all his stuff around so he can have it in his room. 🤣
Lord. I love him more than anything in this world. I just pray he is healthy and happy. 
I am not a great mother. Not at all like I dreamed. I swear I was better, before I lost mom. But maybe not. Fuck. I guess I should be glad you both arent here to see me as this great disappointment. 
Its a grey Christmas Eve. I dont have any magic to dispell it. I poisoned the world around me with my sadness. Such sorrow. 
Here's hoping Liam can be spared. 🙏

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