One Foot In Front Of The Other

To The Man In The Moon  -
Craft Show - Dip Party and the just keep moving mentality. Thats been life in a nutshell. Matt and I did make some moves forward, backwards and sideways. I do not want to skip over the fact that one night (at sometime between him going to bed and needing to be up for work the next day) I had reached the breaking point. No that's not exactly it. It was more of a resigning, waving the white flag overwhelming need to release something that I had held onto too long, battled so hard against, fought and bled for. I would be lying if I said that feeling is gone, but after going through everything and the need to tell him how much this had ruined my heart so deeply I told him that I didnt want to feel this way anymore. That I didnt want to hate myself for every thought and insecurity he had created. I told him we would find a way through this but not together. Honestly it felt like the first time I could breathe without feeling like my insides were being crushed and tucked into a black hole. I let him go back to sleep and promised we would figure it out together. It may have been my one moment of self preservation. 
I may regret forever that I didnt give us that time to breath and digest. I wish I had. Even now. Perhaps it would have revealed truths we dont allow ourselves to admit. 

We texted throughout the morning and then talked while we did our errands that next day. And we said we were together. We wanted to keep trying to fix this. 

We have had some better days. He has made some extra efforts to make me feel considered. We have a lot more work to put in but I saw his love. Not obligation, but actual consideration. We are trying. There is still a lot of talking that he seems resistant against. Im not sure why, but there is a reluctance. 
Sometimes it feels like his knife is still embedded deep withing my heart and there is this poison that is still killing me. Memories, moments, songs, conversations, just ruined by this betrayal. I still dont know it can be saved. 
Thats part of what hurts too. I love him. I dont want to hurt him with the truth of how bad it hurts every fucking day. How sometimes I cant look at him. How I hate hearing him tell me im pretty. Im beautiful. All I ever did was try for him. I wanted to be who he wanted, who he thought of, who he craved and needed. I will never be that. Once again. I am not good enough. I'll never forget how much I fail and fall short. I promised myself never to pretend ever again. He made a liar of me. 
Im trying. Always trying. How fucking difficult it is to love me. How do I fix that? 
Honestly? 
I am just trying to survive.
Maybe that's all some people get. I know I should be thankful for what I have. 
Praying for enlightenment. 
Praying for grace.
Praying for my Liam.

He is struggling and he is going through some of the toughest times and I am trying not to lose a man that disgraced me and my love and everything I have. We deserve better than this. 

Please God just let me help him do better for himself in this life. Give me strength to help him find the strength, determination, kindness, grace, self love, empathy, and confidence to lead him into a life of blessing and happiness and true love and protection. His heart is amazing. I hope love and light lead him and protect him from all the ways this world can break you. I love him so much. 

Dad, I know you are watching over him. Please let him find peace. Help us find him the help, love and assistance he needs. Lead us. Push us, beat us over the head when needed. Lol 

The cold moon. It felt like a light, in my dark mind. Sometimes I want to escape. Give up. I am ashamed. I should have dreamed of love that was real instead of pretty words. Words. My weakness. I hold onto all the wrong things. I wish to be beautiful. I dream of being magical and passionate. I love too much and not enough, too deeply and too hard. I am too naive. Too much of the little girl who loved the way her dad looked at her mom and spun me around and showed me what a twinkle in the eye meant. 
I miss you. I miss mom. I love you all. 

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