today

To The Man In The Moon - 
Stress level : High
Blood Sugar: High
Stomach: Issues
Mood: Resigned.

I'm sure if I needed to I could manage to muster up enough emotion to qualify as frustrated. 
Its mom's birthday. She would have been 72. I can't remember if thats how old grandma was when she passed and I haven't stopped to do the math.. I just know I really wish I had those two to talk to. The men in my life get me so twisted up that I can't think straight anymore. 

I had this sort of clarity when trying to talk with Matt about what all is bothering me. 
Layers. 
I had realized it at first when I was trying to determine why anger is so deep. 
Dustin has layered my anger and frustration so deep it is not something that takes time to build because it's already so deep and easy to hit on the surface.
My difficulty with discussing things with Matt often is because when he asks or wants to discuss what the problem I am having in regards to him and I is that it's not just one thing that I can point to. And I am having trouble trying to peel back the layers without feeling like I would be starting problems instead of fixing them.
Trust is a big one. One he promised as we drove home that he would rebuild with me but still there is always something.  I see and feel it because we still aren't communicating like we did.. so no matter how many times he says it was a bug or because he was doing something or the way I did it or whatever excuse it happens to be. I almost hear him saying the things he said about Ashley not really wanting to know. I don't like thinking if I am asking the right questions or wording things the right way to get the truth or if he just doesn't want to hurt me and that doubt plays over and over when things happen.
With everything that was really going on between him and Ashley.. not being able to even really talk about all of that and everything that happened with him coming here... cause I am having trouble letting all of the things we couldn't and didn't talk about go all the way.. then with the way he is about his phone and with me feeling like he needs to hide or keep things from me. I'm not used to the feeling of insecurities regarding this stuff. I know he has lied. I'm not used to dealing with someone lieing or even feeling the need to lie to me. Or withholding information. However you look at it. He has used technicalities on me and it lingers...layer. Our lack of understanding and miscommunication and down right arguments over things like the game, the missing piece of intimacy and my feelings of inadequacy, layers. There is a lot of things different about how he talks versus how he really is. I don't know if it is a matter of adjustment or a change in feelings. I went back and reread so much that we talked about and I got so upset. Because I see things. The way he was selective about what was said and how it was said. I feel like I have to hold back. Guard myself and my feelings. Not do the things I have wanted to do for so long for and with him because I feel like he doesn't feel like he used to. That things are not the same or that he feels differently now that he's here and is actually with me. I knew that there was a possibility that me and my life would be something he only thought he wanted to be a part of. 
Talking is much different than living it. Being what I want and need maybe doesn't match up with what or who he is. I learned the hard way I can let go of what I need and be there for someone who isn't willing to do be thst for me isn't something I will do again. Not being loved, appreciated, cherished and valued isn't something I am prepared to do again.


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