I'm failing

I've gotten to this point, where I don't like myself. I try and care too much. I hurt myself trying. 
I would do anything. And maybe that's my problem. 
I love him. In love love that man and  I loved Dustin to the point of not loving myself enough to stand up and make myself and what I want important. 
It's my own fault. 
And while I tell myself wanting to be a priority isn't too much to ask, ultimately it always is. 
Was I a doormat. 
The name may have changed, but I still think I am a doormat. 
I feel guilty for being unhappy. 
I feel guilty for wanting and expecting to be loved the way I need.
That fear I have is because I AM doing the same thing, I AM repeating the same mistakes. 
I deserve to be loved. To be desired and cared for the same way I love and desire him. 
I deserve to not worry about being enough and have the person I love prove to me I am special and worthy. 
Why do I feel guilty? What broken thing makes me feel guilty? 
I want to make it work but I again show up and show love and affection and keep allowing myself and what I need to be unimportant and pushed aside. 
I read through months of texts, months of snaps, and old line messages. 
And I'm trying to believe what he says. Are we getting closer or further away?
Because I am more scared now. 
I am more unsure of his feelings towards me. 
Cause it sure seems like he doesn't want me.
He doesn't want love with me.Maybe he wants or misses the comfortability he had with Ashley. 
He brought up when they first started dating.
Then when I was trying to talk with him he mentioned Aaron and Stephanie getting married and he immediately started taking about how she would react or whatever and in an instant I knew..if he goes..it won't be with me. And while I get it and would never stand in his way,  I am another world, I am still separate from part of his life and who he is. There is him here and him there. I used to picture getting to be a part of his world..his life. But I can't even imagine it. 
And then I started wondering..am I it? Is there something or someone else that will be it for him? Because what he wanted..all he told me he wanted to be and wanted with me..it all feels like..well like he wishes he felt that way rather than him wanting to build something with me sometimes.
He hasn't been keep his word. He hasn't been doing the things he says he will.
I always accept whatever he says, he's tired, he thought I was swatting a bug, he doesn't kiss me enough, he wants me. But ultimately he doesn't when I am sitting next to him..when I am waiting..when I am trying... and I just keep looking at him waiting and wishing he did.
And it hurts. 
Because I've been here and I have done this before.
I love him and I just wish I wasn't always wishing I could be loved too. 
I dont want to be hurt. I dont want to doubt him or how he says he feels but given everything...I don t know how to trust him like things are. And the second I ask or try to talk to him I'll end up feeling guilty and like it's all because of something I am doing. 


Talking with him helped. It was not easy to begin. I really felt like he was going to just say nothing. Which would have been a different outcome. 
I feel like a conversation that was needed was had but whether he truly felt it and we start working on these things we will have to wait and see. 
Tomorrow is another day. 

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