who i am, who am i

To The Man In The Moon -
Im 45 years old. It feels so cliche to have a crisis of who I am. It doesn't stop it from being part of what we do, if thats just how we feel. Honestly I think i have had several midlife crisis at this point. Marriages, going into divorces, my health and being disabled. I feel like I dont even know who I am. I am older and supposedly wiser but I dont think thats even remotely true. I have definitely been more wrong in my life than right. 
Seeing Liam trying to navigate high school and friendships, the future and growing up... I am not the person I even thought I would be. I am definitely not the mother I thought I would be. 
I feel like I dont know my son as much as I would like to. I always thought I would have this great flow of positivity and fun but still always a kind of lame mom who puts structure and discipline into his life. But I am just a huge mess. Mom was never a mess. She was my rock. As things changed and our relationship changed she was always my center. Now I am just free floating in this life, crashing into situations and choices so haphazardly. I wonder who I could have been, what I could have done. Where Liams life will take him with such a shit show of a mom. 
I get it. There are worse parents. There are so many ways things could and can be worse. But I know that. I want to know all the ways things could be better.
So many overwhelming things are coming  and its like I am watching myself crash my life into the rocks, off the cliff, or whatever. 
Im supposed to try and assume the loan on the house. But how? Seriously. HOW?!?!
The heater doesn't work and needs to be replaced, there a hole in the rood and squirrels ruining my house, these oceans things that need doing and I am too old, sick and tired to do any of it. 
What do I truly madly love to do? Is it too late to find myself? 

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