stranger in my bed

To The Man In The Moon  -
Is it the cold? Is it my mental sanity slipping away ? Could my hormones be just as erratic as my mood? Is it because of the affairs? Is it self preservation?
All I know is the are more parts of me that are hiding than ever before.
Dad, I can offer all the different ways for him to see and know me deeper, but I cant make him have the desire or love or possibility interest to take the openings I offer. I dont want to work so hard to be loved. How is everything I have shown him not be enough? Maybe I am too much.  Of a hassle, of a burden, of a problem. I keep trying to share my worries and burdens with him, but he finds ways to avoid it. Is that because he knows he doesn't love me? At some point I will stop giving him the openings, and then I will hide it and walk away. Bury the lie. Bury my mistakes and try and start all over alone. 
I tell him I am scared. But does he understand? 
I feel like we already lost. I lost. 
I guess I know that. 
Wishing it wasn't true doesn't change anything. 
I should have paid closer attention to you and mom. How you moved around each other, how you loved each other. I missed so much because I was young. 
Love. I have felt it. It has never stayed. Maybe I am unworthy of that kind of complete encompassing love. All I see is anger and a resentment inbetween the times when I try to pretend this love hasnt changed. Hasn't been broken. 
Even I am not able to hold that kind of heartbreak without the pressure building up and exploding.  I just keep trying. I look for ways to heal myself since he seems stalled on whether he can be honest and talk to me. Im such a horrible person. The person I am in love with cant be honest with me.
What did I do to become so unworthy of honesty? 
How do I fix that without burning my life to the ground? 
Im trapped
Im stuck. Again. Loving someone more than I love myself. Leaving me with just a glimmer of hope, that one day, I can be loved and happy. 
God I miss mom. I wishing could just hear her advice. Its another weekend gone, and im sleeping with a stranger in my bed. I wish I could hear your voice. Wish I could recall it. Wish you could scoop me up like you did when I smashed my face on the fire hydrant. Wish I could figure out my life. Wish I wasnt so very fucking lonely and scared. Wish I wasnt so alone. Wish I could find some joy. Wish it would stay with me when I am curling myself up and hiding. Wish I could just be better. For myself, Liam, and everyone else. Wish I had an answer, the answers to help get me through nights like this. 
I miss you dad. 
I miss mom.
I miss family 

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