2 am rantings

To The Man In The Moon  -
I carry my phone with me all the time. I use it for so many things and still I dont use it for all the important things I could be using it for. 
Why is it always midnights and 2am that my brain decides to go over all the things I should have done, all the things I did wrong, all the things I need to do, all the things I need to fix and address in the future. It gets me no where except tired and anxious. My brain just runs and runs and it never gets empty. Anxiety, fever, failure, remorse, the what ifs, the good intentions, the resolve and epiphanys come only when I should be settling down to rest. To sleep. To dream. 
I love dreaming. I love that all things have been possible in my dreams. In my nightmares too but they too bring a freedom I do not have in my waking life. I love how crazy and wild they get to be. I am sad that I do not alway get to remember the adventures they bring me. I wonder how some can be so very vivid. And others so unremarkable. Still it makes no difference, sometimes they are still lost in the waking moments. 
I have been trying to find new ways of honoring being alive. Trying to test new things within my bodies abilities. I want the magic and mysteries. I want to find peace and love for but just myself but for everyone I love. I want more memories. More laughter through tears. I just want more of all the good stuff. I have been so scared and hurt. So lost and lonely. I hide away. Scared to be hurt. Scared to be me. Afraid of what others will say or think of me. I want to let that go. 
Im not as ugly, useless, unlovable, horrible, and disgusting as I have made myself feel. How others have made me feel through their actions or lack there of. I want to find myself. The things I lost growing up. Growing old. Being sick. I dont know what perfect is, but I feel like I have been chasing it all my life. 
I want to say the hard things. Do the hard things. Shame the part of me that hates who I am, what I have and haven't accomplished. I dont know whose standard I am trying so hard to live up to. I want to be comfortable. With me, with life, with whatever comes next. Tomorrow is another day. I want hope back. I want the magic back in my life and in my heart. 
I want to show Liam how to not be so self conscious. I want him to see and feel love for himself. To be made strong by mistakes and not let everything feel so final or so bleak. I feel like going through all of this with me and my health and Dustin and I fighting and then this separation and impending divorce has broken all the good times and memories and lessons. I want him to know his life and his dreams and his happiness is what life is about. They may change and he may change but being true to his heart and himself is what its all about. I want him to enjoy his life. Not just survive but to thrive. This world can be so ugly and hateful. Its too easy to find fault in every little thing. Especially in ourselves and our failures and mistakes. I just want him to love himself enough to work through the bullshit and the doubt. There so much beauty in life. So much we dont get to see and enjoy. Because there is always something else. Something more important some worry or fear. None of the fear is worth losing out on the love, the life, the desire, and the moments that fly by while we beat ourselves up instead of building ourselves up. 
I will forever thank you for the days you took care of me when I was sick. The fishing days, the flying across the water, the adventures. The magic you gave me. I cannot fathom the woman I would be if we hadn't lost you. I know one of the best things I wish I could share with you, but then my life would never have given me Liam. Its hard sometimes. I wish he could remember mom. How she lit up when she was with him. I am so thankful that she was here for him and I. I wish it wasnt tied to all the pain and illness for her. But the two of them, God it was beautiful. She loved him for the both of you and she did it magnificently, just as she did that for me. I miss her so deeply. Still. Its like a hole. Deeper still. 
There really arent words. Just tears. 
Especially as I get older and am starting to lose pieces. I am older now than you were when we lost you. It doesn't seem real. Fuck right now with the state of everything it feels sooo upside down. I miss you both. Please please be together. A huge embrace. With smiles ten miles wide. When I am low, I will try and remember you both that way. Gail Anner. Watch over our boy. Help guide me on my journey. Help me be better. I love you. I love Mom. Please be near me.

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