My Tortured Poets Department ERA

To The Man In The Moon -

I have never thought the struggles in life ever end, so don't get things twisted. I haven't written for a very long time. Maybe its because I had someone who I was able to let the words flow from my mouth instead of hiding them in sheets of lined paper bound into one of the many beautiful 1/100th filled journals or on an equally antiquated Blog. *Shock face* Things weren't easy but it was a life together full of raising Liam, cooking dinners together, laundry (soo much laundry), bills, work, and hospitals and Dr's visits of course. I was happy. We were happy. Always trying to do more and get more done. We failed at so many things , but we failed together and we kept trying. But somewhere things started to fall apart. I just wasn't informed. I guess I was supposed to read inbetween the lines that were lies born from his lips. I am sorry. It was over a year....with many sprinkled here and there and which followeda shopping spree that cost us so much more than he will ever admit. We want to go see his dad in Arkansas, and all his family in Washington and let Liam meet his family which I thought was so special. $$$ money for any of that....just poof 🪄✨️ Gone. And then it was more and more lies. Somehow I was always mad at Dustin and taking it out on him and Liam. 

Trouble is, Dustin's not here and while YES I have issues with Dustin. We are still trying to get a divorce, but he cat be bothered to help raise his son, and our heater has been broken for almost 2 years now!!!! So I think I am allowed to be upset or mad sometimes. But all the time... no. 

And WHAT THE FUCK ABOUY THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH BLOWING OVER $2000 AND STARTING ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS!???

COLOR ME ☠️
And me... sitting here thinking we are getting better and working things out together no fights just working together for a change. 

Till I realized that he wasn't really "there".
When I questioned then I was of course, crazy and mad.

Guess what? 

Turns out it wasn't me. And he wasn't here. He was trying to be "there" for all these other people....instead of the one he should have been. 

Dad. Mom. Can I just get a hug in my dream? Can you shove me outta that bed that I am somehow sleeping with him in? 

I am utterly alone. And I have no one to go to for a hug, guidance, support or anything. I just want to go hold liam and cry for how epically the men in our lives have failed us and destroyed each picture of family we hold dearest in our hearts. 

Tomorrow I am going to go to see my therapist and I dont have a clue how that's going to turn out. I have to go to bed. 
BTW I blew out his tires after one of his "there is nothing else, I swear!" 
He shouldn't have swore. 
Now I am just the idiot trying to pick up the pieces so I can put things back together. 
All I want is your and mom's advice. You hug and love that can take some of this pain and fear away. Im breaking apart. And I am almost numb in places. 

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