Hole in my heart

To The Man In The Moon  - 


Why did I ever stop trying to talk to you and mom? Whether it was to share something good or bad. I need to keep talking. I need to let all of this out somewhere.All the times I have spent wishing I had someone ai could be real with. How many years? And somehow I am still wishing. I need someone true l. Someone who has only love in their heart for me. Someone I can actually talk to, who listens when my brain is so full of worries and doubts. So many worries and so many doubts. 
I've always felt alone. Stuck in my head. I miss being heard. I miss being valued. I miss being important and how I feel being important to someone. I miss being loved. I am alone in this world. Even the people who promised to love me and be there for me to whatever end, lie. I just wish I could talk to mom, you. No matter how old I get, it always comes back to being with out you two. Now I am worried and scared not only for myself but for Liam. Hes been injuring himself at school. I have reached out to his physician, councilor, teachers, and therapist. Nothing I do seems to help him. The Pediatrician wants him to see a psychiatrist. Take him to urgent care. But I am not taking him somewhere where he could be forced to stay. I cant do that to him. I have to be strong, calm and comforting, and show him how concerning this behavior is without scaring the crap out of him when he is just struggling to survive. It breaks my heart. This beautiful soul. How ugly the world is. And how ill prepared I am let alone him, as he becomes a man in this world. God how I wish I could ask you and mom so many things. How much I wish he had his grandfather and grandmother here loving and supporting, shaping his life. I have done him no favors in showing him what life is and could be. I have failed so much, too much in one lifetime. He deserves so much more than I can give him. So much more that I will ever be able to. 
There's such a hole, missing from my heart. Its deeper than I can feel. I just get up each day. All I feel is desire, want, need, lonely, feral, crazy, angry, and so deeply sad. Im nothing but a hole. But I still need sleep. So Im throwing in the towel and turning in for the night. God how I wish I could just talk to you and mom. Laughter through tears. My rock. I miss being able to gain perspective from conversations with you Mom. You really were a saint. I wish you were here. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
Read more

pieces

Image
To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...
Read more

Beginning to Heal

Image
To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
Read more