Friday Mental Health Break

To The Man In The Moon - 
I have had my meeting with my therapist. No notes this time. Im guessing this wasn't where she was hoping this session would go given that I had to discuss what was going on with me and Matt. 
So much for trying to get some mental health support to keep me from getting sick again. Honestly I think I am already getting to a bad place with my bowels. Stress doesn't help anything and how the man I love cheating on me with all these women doesn't make me or my stomach any less stressed. 
I am worried about him. I cant help feeling like my health and me not being able to put forth the effort with our sexual and romantic relationship got us into this in the first place and now its going to die all over again. 
I keep feeling like I float off into despair and lose contact with my life when I am having these everyday moments with him. This entire year has been a million little lies that have severed my heart strings that were so intertwined with his. What the hell have I been fighting and trying for if not to live a better life with him and he was destroying our life together. I am such an idiot. How was I so blindly in love with someone who could so easily betray my heart? 
I cant trust him and I cant even trust myself. 
I cant take his phone. I said we would set up safeguards to ensure he couldn't just download the apps and programs that he has used to betray me but I still dont have all the access. He used so many things. If hes so determined, how am I supposed to keep track and watch him. Every time he picks up his phone I get this sick tightening in my stomach. Whats more is I thought things were good. So I will never have a clue when or why he decided or will decide to get around all these protections. There is no protection for my heart. The fact he has done this and cared for all these fucking strangers more than me may never not hurt. 
I may never not hurt. My love isnt enough. My touch isnt enough. Nothing I can ever do will be enough. 
How is this my life? 
I am not a bad person. I know I am not perfect but what the hell did I do to deserve this!? I should be used to meaning nothing to the people I love. I lost the unconditional love when I lost my mother. Even Liam is scared. Hes so certain that we are blessed that Matt loves us. I scared that trying to fix this with him is just allowing him to once again break me as soon as he has his shit figured out. Its not a coincidence that he was looking at jobs in St Louis or that he LOVED another woman. 
I hate looking at my face in the mirror. 
I hate how much I love him. I hate that I am even trying to help him fix what he broke. How do I recover from this? 
Do I walk away? Do I make him leave once he can? Do I try and forgive something that he can explain and I dont understand. Maybe I am better off alone. Sell the house, try and find Liam and I a place? If we sell then I can get my car fixed, set aside money for repairs and get an apartment some place within a budget Liam and I can afford? Then Dustin can have his divorce and be rid of me. Everyone can be rid of me. Maybe that's the best thing for the future. Happiness has never been in the cards for me. Maybe its best to let the dreams go. I cant take care of this house and the bills. I cant even take care of me. At least if no one has to try and help and take care of me they can all find what it is their missing and find happiness. I seem to be the person that helps everyone figure out what they want as soon as I am out of their lives. My poor Liam. He deserves so much better than me and this life he is stuck with thanks to me. God could you have at least helped me see how to give him the love and support he deserves. Hes the only good thing I ever did. 
I'd make a great guardian angel. I only ever cared how wonderful these people I love can be. I have never been anything special. Im the one shining the light for the loves of my life. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
Read more

pieces

Image
To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...
Read more

Beginning to Heal

Image
To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
Read more