when push comes to shove

I am not a Saint. I have a breaking point.
I may not like to fight but it doesn't mean I won't.
I have spend my life being taken for granted, putting other people feelings in front t of my own. 
I thought I had a bad weekend. But today I felt like my heart got punched through my chest.
I have put my trust and faith into Matt. I have put my heart and my love into a future with him. I have worried and fretted because everyone I ever loved didn't love me enough to care about my feelings and who I am to ever make me a priority in their life. Matt wasn't like that. He has helped to build my trust and my faith. 
It was shaken today. 
After a conversation where I felt like I was a problem and that I caused issues because I worry too much, I was basically reassured that hey guess what ..I got lots to worry about. 
Heres the things, I can deal with worries. And I know that as I work through the issues and problems they get fixed and dealt with they go away...imagine that.
But ones you push under the rug and hide well they only resurface and come back stronger. Only to hurt everyone more.
Matt. I wish I had the fucking balls to share this with you. But I won't pretend you would want to know what I was worried or thinking after everything. It hurts that how I feel is a nuisance to you instead of a concern. I know you are going through a lot. 
I considered wasting my money and letting this paid for trip go to waste. Not because I don't miss you or want to be with you. But because I have done everything I can to be here for you, to support and love you and be patient and compassionate and understanding. And through all of this I try and be better, to trust you and in us and what we have. Even when I know you want to handle things a certain way and it hurts me and causes me to question myself  I am there for you. I don't judge you for your reasons, i respect what you want. 
I am scared that I am not going to ever get that back from you though. You have told me that this is where you want to be and I am who you want to be with. You have told me we are good. You are coming. It's a done deal barring death. At the same time you have made it hard for me to believe and take comfort in these words considering I have felt like the reason you wont be honest about me and what I mean to you to some very important people in your life including Ashley.
Still I try harder to trust you. 
I know that you see how much of a double standard that is. Expect me to believe your words but not be shown that you are honest and true with your feelings and intentions with me. I love you Matt. And I have done everything you have asked of me. 
If me giving you my heart and my love and trying to make you happy and trying to make a life with you is so hard, difficult and so wrong then I need you to tell me what this has all been for? I don't want to feel like this happening for us is bad. And that's how I feel. I feel like you are angry with me about it. And maybe I am wrong but I can only tell you how it feels to me
 
This isn't a mistake. But I am not going to break my own heart holding on to someone who isn't willing to make hard choices to be in my life and love me. It's not fair. You told me Don't Let Go. I only want to hold onto you if you will hold onto me right back babe. I know this shit isn't easy. But this is making me feel like what I am trying to give you .. is worthless. It scares me. I have been shown too many times by the people I love that I am not worth the effort or the care. You were different. And now I am scared that you are going to decide the same. I love you Matt. And I don't want to lose what we have between us. But I want honesty and trust and communication. I want to show you all the love I have and share a life with you. If you want that with me then let's be honest, let's trust each other, and face whatever issues come together. I got you and you got me right?
Yeah

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Here Comes 40

 To The Man In The Moon - October is here, it’s a full moon tonight and it’s bringing with it the crisp autumn air, my favorite holiday and another birthday. This year I turn 40. I know it’s nothing like I pictured it to be so far. But given my state from my last birthday to this one it’s really hard to complain. I’ve lost and gained a lot in a year. Rivaling only my transition into my 30’s when I got married and had my son. It’s a heavy thing but one I hope I can carry gracefully.  40 brings many new changes. I am trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I am more focused on enjoying every moment and making the best of everyday. Trying to let go of the worry and doubt that has gotten me no closer to the happiness I have been chasing for far too long. Separated and met a man. Could be the man of my dreams... Today I booked a trip to Denver. My first momcation. Other than the lonely nights I spent in the hospital which qualifies only as torture. But I am jumping in, with...
Read more

pieces

Image
To The Man In The Moon - Thinking about the truth and not romanticizing what has happened is hard. It isn't like what we have isn't wonderful or that it's not true. Because I know there is a lot of love and specialness to what we found and have together. But there is a lot of things that happened, a lot of truth lost in the messiness that got blurred. And while it would be more convenient to ignore and forget all that, I am seeing how those lies have been the cracks in the walls I built to keep myself together.  When I fell for him, it's been all him for me. And I tried each and everyday to love him with everything I am. I questioned myself and him that this is what we wanted and that we felt the same. He says all these things about how it's me and it will always be me. But when I sit and think...it wasn't. Leaving Denver I was unsure he would want to continue it. I had prepared myself to say goodbye because he was still in love with and choosing to be with Ashl...
Read more

Beginning to Heal

Image
To My Man in the Moon Dad, The beginning is the hardest. It seems like the end would be the hardest and the beginning the easiest, but I know better. It's finding the commitment and the strength to commit to something and following through with it that's the hard part. So here we go. Trying to find the right words and where to begin. So I'll start with telling you something easy, I miss you. We all miss you. There are so many things I want to say. There is so much time that has passed. I am no longer that little innocent girl. I can barely remember being 9. Luckily the good times come more easily than the hard ones through there are more than a few. Last year was a big one for me, getting married, having a baby, and it really brought a lot of emotion out of me. Reuniting with Debbie and then Mike after Grandma Myrtle died has been a HUGE blessing in my life, and moms. Having them at my wedding was the best blessing I could ask for! It was beautiful and Debbie even ...
Read more