scared to believe

To The Man In The Moon  - 
It's been a hell of a rough weekend. Between Ashley having no idea that Matt was leaving in 8 weeks sparking the idea that Matt may choose to not come when he planned regardless of the money and tickets and hotels that have been paid for and trucks reserved, Dustin refusing to get things done and finished or help and get things on a schedule or routine or have an important conversation with his mother. 
I feel like I have two people in my life who really are missing the big point.
I am busting my ass to make things work and to be honest and have the important conversations and deal with the issues before they become problems but they both deny and ignore in their own ways. 
And I am just the idiot getting my heart twisted up.
I am in love with a man who has been largely unable or unwilling to let me into his life. He is moving here pretending that I don't exist to some of the people he says are very important in his life and yet he doesn't understand why I am scared that he isn't going to come. He has a way of throwing it in my face that Ashley is his best friend and she doesn't and can't know about me.. that his friends don't seem to remember he's leaving and that no one believes him about him wanting to move let alone that everything is ready and waiting for him to move including little Ole me who may not exist to people in his life that is doing everything she can to make it possible. 
Why and how could I feel secure about him saying it's all fine and we are good and he's coming? How can I not be worried?
I am not here to tell him what he should do, I wouldnt even pretend to know how. I am being loving, caring and supporting what he tells me he feels is best. But if he decides that he can't do it or doesn't want to.. he shatters my entire world and gets to say it was a change of heart. No harm no foul to him or anyone he knows and cares for there.
I on the other hand...
I gave my whole self-centered, spent everything for us. For him. I gave up security of a my way out of this marriage because I believe in Matt and I, and our future together so I instead fix his truck, ticket to fly him here me out there and then back out there to get him, to play the game, to give him and us what we wanted.
I'm beyond scared. I am fucking terrified. 
I am scared to go see him. I feel like he is going to look at me and not feel what I feel for him. I'm scared that it will all come crashing down on me. When I have no one. When everything I wanted will look at me and not want me or love me back.
I have so many people telling me how wonderful and romantic this is going to be. That getting to be with him again will make the next 8 weeks fly by until we are finally able to be with one another an not have anything including distance to keep us apart and we can finally see what and who US really is. 
But it's two days.
Will we be renewed and refreshed and ready to push to get things ready so we can finally start a life together? Or will we see all the worries and the doubt and let something so special slip away? 
Sex is just sex. If I didn't have it with him I would be incredibly sad missing that connected intimacy with him. But I want everything with him. Not just sex. I want to feel loved by this man. I want to feel cared for and special in his arms.  I want to feel how much he wants to be with me..and chase all the fears out of my head and make me know that I don't have to worry come July 30th i will be with him coming home. That is what I need. I want him to feel that too. That I am with him and will be by his side and that we got whatever comes our way. As long as we have each other. 
So I'm going to try and go to bed. And hope and wish and pray. 
I hope you have my back dad. I hope I have a lot of angels watching over all of us. My heart is with him Dad. He promised he wouldn't break me but I am so scared to believe.

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