anticipation

I remember how determined and confident I was heading to Denver. I remember how driven and excited and ready I was to meet him and see what was between us. 
I remember how scared I was when he was coming for New Years and I felt like he was going to back out and not show up. And I remember how hard it was for me to watch him go. 
The two months that followed how hard and difficult it all was, of him not choosing and so much craziness. I honestly thought more than a few times he doesnt want to be with me. 
I still feel like I am waiting for him to change his mind.
Anticipation is killing me. I can't sleep well. I have been a crazy person trying to make myself better. I am freaking out. I want to shake this fear . But everything over the last 5-6 months has make me question everything about myself. I have made more than a few questionable decisions and I pray I am following my heart in the right direction and not just throwing myself at him. 
I am scared. I feel like he's going to see me and find that everything has changed, that he is making a mistake and end things with me. I have been doing everything I can to make and keep him happy. I'm trying so hard, it hurts. I am just a mess. 
Between my fears about myself and my fears that so long apart will make us awkward and strange. I'm scared to be alone in a city I have never been in before, getting to spend enough time with him and that he won't realize I'm a huge mistake. I am freaking about trying to find food and drinks and snacks because of my damn blood sugar. Fuck. I am trying so hard to keep it all together and I feel utterly awful about myself. The underwear, the clothes, my hair, my freaking body. Packing this weekend is going to make me an emotional mess. I hate myself right now. 

I just keep thinking about his smile. That twinkle in his eyes. His laugh. The feeling of his hands and being in his arms.
I was asked it this ends up being goodbye, will it all still be worth it?
All I could do was cry. 
I dont want to lose someone as wonderful as him. I have no control over what comes but at least I could say.. I felt something more than I have ever known. I can only be me. I can only love him as long as I am allowed. It's more than I thought and I can't help but want to know him and love him more. 
So I pretend it's fine and I hold my breath. 

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