What You’re Worth

 To The Man In The Moon - 

Thanksgiving used to be one of my favorite holidays. Growing up with my family gathering, football in grandmas backyard, fighting with the cousins, and being taught how to hold my own with the boys. My moms stuffing and German Potato Salad. Driving around the plaza to see the lights and the luminaries in the Volker neighborhood. Traditions and family. 

I tried my best to carry all those important things into my marriage and provide them for the child. I spent years fighting him to do anything for our family. Every holiday was another disappointment, another fight. Just like every other day. 

Yesterday I got to take a little bit of that power back. 

I struggled but for a different reason. 

I think I am head over heels in love with a man that is gonna break my heart.  He could be not just my sun but he could be my man in the moon. I want to share everything with this man. Trouble is I struggle with his indecisiveness. Or maybe that’s not fair. I don’t think he lets me in enough to know if it’s him being an over thinker like me or if he just isn’t sure of anything and is very confused. Maybe it’s both. 

Maybe its the wrong time. Maybe never. Maybe someday. Maybe I am not enough.

What I know is I spent a rather good holiday feeling like a big piece of me was missing. He’s not feeling well and all I can think is why can’t I be the one to love and take care of him. How logical to miss something you never really had. What if it’s all in our heads? What if the love is there but there’s a reason why we aren’t able to be together. Maybe hes the only one who can fix my crazy but I drive him crazy. And if he is everything I believe him to be why do I have to miss out on another day with him. And when is it ok to say it hurts everyday. I have so many friends sending me love and pumping me up. You’re amazing. You’re special. You’ve got the most amazing spark. You’re the girl of my dreams. You deserve the world. I would love you every single day. You’re my everything. But none of them mean a thing when they aren’t coming from his lips, his heart. It’s like some cruel torture. I could mean the world to someone else but I just want the man who is my sun, the one who could be my man in the moon. 

So I am great. I am a fantastic woman. I have a heart of gold. I have a special spark. What’s all that worth? When it’s what I don’t have that’s got me hung up. 

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