Strong Enough

 To The Man In The Moon -

Sheryl Crow “Strong Enough” 

I have often questioned my strength. Yet somehow I am still here. Like there is some other option if you decide you can’t handle it. You just keep pushing through. One foot in front of the other as one of my favorite songs says. It’s not because of motivation at this point, it’s a means of survival. 

There are so many things I don’t have control over. Things that I know I used to be able to handle and adjust and compensate for. Now I am just old. I am too tired to compensate for whatever is lacking in my life. I am tired of just putting one foot in front of the other trying to survive with my head down and survive with as little as possible. 

I want it all. I want the friend I can talk to about anything, the one who means so much more. The guy who knows me. Who cares about what I am feeling and why. The one who knows when I need that extra reassurance and provides it. 

I have spent so long trying to make someone love me. That is my life. Asking and begging someone to love me. Be the wife, be the mom, be the one who handles it all, be the one who gives all the love, be the one to sacrifice, be the girl friend who isn’t your girl friend. 

I wonder if I will ever be lucky enough to find the kind of love I have to offer. I know that I am a mess. Old, jaded, angry, sad, lonely, crazy, broken, sick, over weight, mom that I am. I know that there are things not just anyone could love about me. I know all my faults and all my sins, I know my strengths as much as I know my weaknesses. And I know how deeply I can love and care for someone. Why can’t I know and receive that love?

At the end of the day, I go to bed alone. I have as long as I can remember. No one carries my burdens with me. No one worries and fights for me. For all of the promises or the sweetly worded lies all I know is I am still looking for someone strong enough. Strong enough to not just say I am wonderful, or great, or amazing or cute, or beautiful or smart. No. But to make me enough.  

Cause here it is, end of the day. My burdens are still my own and no one else’s. Every one wanted to know, what my problem was... but who was going to help me when I started to cry? Who was going to make me feel better? No one. I have given any and everything asked of me, and I will continue to for the ones I love. But who will do that for me today. Because tomorrow when I get up and all I want is pancakes and dancing in the kitchen, It will still be just me in that kitchen pretending that someday someone is going to be here. 

The girl whose not a girl anymore. Now I am just an old fat ugly sick stupid insecure attention starved pathetic whore. Who is holding on to hope not even a promise just the hope that I will be loved someday. Yeah I have heard I deserve better...but if you get what you deserve... when is the get going to get here. 

My issues. Man in the moon. I’ll sadly take them with me to bed. I’ll tuck them safely inside my head because even the ones who say they’ll love every part of you, seem only more eager to turn those feeling on you instead of fighting to help make you strong enough to make them go away. 

Loving is difficult when you can see the person everyday, let alone here their voice. But loving someone you aren’t allowed have video chats with throughout the day or sit on the phone just sharing and watching tv or a movie. Hell I do that with friends but not with the one I love. I will never get to know what your love or your life is like because it’s still not mine to know. 

I have been an open book. But I am the book everyone picks up flips through and then walks away from. 

Taking the tears I refused to shed today and laying them on my pillow tonight. No tears for the man that I love, none for the one I am leaving behind, none for the men who have come and gone. These tears are mine. For the amount of love and care that I give and give and don’t get back. These tears are for everything that I have to give that no one wants. It’s for the love that everyone seems so eager to say I deserve. 

All my love and shit that comes with it -

Sondra 

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