Naked

To The Man In The Moon - 

He’s got a way, of giving me hope and making me smile. He’s got this easy comfortability with communication that makes me feel like he could be my best friend. He’s got the eyes I could spend eternity lost in and a smile that brightens every dark place. It could be as easy as breathing in and out. He gives me shit and makes think I am worth one. He could be everything. 
But
It’s the things that can’t be done and the things we can’t say. It’s the distance. It’s the unknown. It’s the fact he won’t let go of the past to be mine. It’s the unspoken rules. It’s being alone and too scared to talk to the person you care so much about how you’re feeling. 
I almost broke it already. 
Just with being insecure. And I believe that things can move slower. But I see these cracks, the stress fractures in our communication and in the conversations sometimes and I get scared. The questions I ask that go unanswered. The frustration when I have a problem. I find myself trying to hold things back, a little more. Scared of when he’s going to say to me I want too much from him. Cause maybe I feel like I do. I have spent so long making due that when I think about waiting to have a chance to finally be happy it seems like that’s far beyond what I am allowed to have. I don’t want to make due. I want his hand in mine as we walk together. I want to breath and feel the tension leave my body while he’s sleeping next to me. 
I am keeping my patience. And learning to have more.

The problem is me. The problem is the relationship I have been in for the last 10 years.
Dustin and I argue every single day. Same things over and over. The house, our son, priorities and promises that haven’t been kept for so long now. So long that now I don’t know how to love or be loved. Or how to  act and react to all the wonderful things that are being said. How do you trust something that is promised but never promised. Careful to keep things just out of reach. I am still the girl begging fo love. Being told I don’t have to but constantly giving more and more of myself to something that may never be. It’s funny how quickly things change. One day your so special and they think the world of you and the next your wondering if they got mad and are quiet or just busy . Whether you are good enough and no longer on equal ground. I am drowning myself with all this talk. 
So to the guy who is standing by me while I pick up the pieces and learn to be whole again, while you get your stuff straightened out... one day at a time, one mistake, one giant question mark answered so I guess it’s progress for today... 


Good night

Love Sondra

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